Tuulikki’s hand skimmed over the shallow bowls, pale in the stingy light. She reached for the contents of the last dish, praying to Tapio, the god of the forest, that her lilyweed bulb was at least free of bugs and bruises and disease.f
How about making the second tell us the texture of the bowls? The composition? If she's bothering to run her hands over them, tell us a bit about that experience.
Somehow, based on the fact that the story begins with running hands over a bowl, I have a hope the character is going to be blind. That would be a novel read : )
Not much of a hook. It's nicely written, but not much intrigue. If I had a hint of why these bulbs mattered so much, it might help. The names used sound Polynesian. That's the most intriguing part to me.
Original Text Tuulikki’s hand skimmed over the shallow bowls, pale in the stingy light. She reached for the contents of the last dish, praying to Tapio, the god of the forest, that her lilyweed bulb was at least free of bugs and bruises and disease. Average Grade Level Average Readability Level: 8.8 Average of grade levels scores that follow. Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 76.8 Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 7.9 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 9.5 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 9.7 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 7.2 Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
readibility too high 1st sentence nice! 2nd too convaluted
You have an entire book to world build. Introduce Taipo later. bugs, bruises, and disease. is proper.
I liked the first sentence but you lost me a little in the second as it was difficult to understand. Perhaps slow down and show us what she's doing there in several sentences.
Interesting, but are the bowls pale or stringy, or is her hand pale and stringy? :P The set-up is interesting and while it doesn't exactly grab me, I think I'd read on a bit more to see what she's up to.
I actually like the mention of Taipo. It helps to give me a sense of this other world. From the first sentence I assumed the bowls were empty. That's just me though. I'd read on.
Okay, I haven't left the day job at the day job, it seems. Grammatically, "pale in the stingy light" modifies "bowls" rather than "hand" since the former was the last noun.
I do like the phrase "stingy light," however. I'd read on.
First sentence is very vivid, I would definitely read more.
Second sentence reveals a little bit about the character and her world, also draws me in, makes me wonder if she's cooking or preparing medicine or getting ready to cast a spell.
I do assume that her next step is to check the lilybulb, to make sure it's suitable for whatever use she's putting it to. (I'm also assuming she's not blind, as Wulf is hoping, since she refers to "stingy light" in the first sentence.)
Yikes. Unmanageable name alert! Naw, it’s not that bad on second glance, but that was my very first thought. Hmmm… we have some sort of herbalist digging through her supplies. Nice, but not terribly catching. I’m not hooked based on this.
First sentence is wondeful. Second is ho-hum.
ReplyDeleteHow about making the second tell us the texture of the bowls? The composition? If she's bothering to run her hands over them, tell us a bit about that experience.
Somehow, based on the fact that the story begins with running hands over a bowl, I have a hope the character is going to be blind. That would be a novel read : )
Not much of a hook. It's nicely written, but not much intrigue. If I had a hint of why these bulbs mattered so much, it might help. The names used sound Polynesian. That's the most intriguing part to me.
ReplyDeleteNovel read...wulf made a funny:)
ReplyDeleteOriginal Text
Tuulikki’s hand skimmed over the shallow bowls, pale in the stingy light. She reached for the contents of the last dish, praying to Tapio, the god of the forest, that her lilyweed bulb was at least free of bugs and bruises and disease.
Average Grade Level
Average Readability Level: 8.8
Average of grade levels scores that follow.
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Specific Scores
Flesch-Kincaid Reading Ease (Wikipedia): 76.8
Aim for 60 to 80. The higher the score, the more readable the text.
Flesch-Kincaid Grade Level (Wikipedia): 7.9
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Gunning-Fog Score (Wikipedia): 9.5
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
Coleman-Liau Index (Wikipedia): 9.7
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
SMOG Index (Wikipedia): 7.2
Approximation of number of years of education required* to read text.
readibility too high
1st sentence nice!
2nd too convaluted
You have an entire book to world build. Introduce Taipo later.
bugs, bruises, and disease. is proper.
I liked the first sentence but you lost me a little in the second as it was difficult to understand. Perhaps slow down and show us what she's doing there in several sentences.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, but are the bowls pale or stringy, or is her hand pale and stringy? :P The set-up is interesting and while it doesn't exactly grab me, I think I'd read on a bit more to see what she's up to.
ReplyDeleteI actually like the mention of Taipo. It helps to give me a sense of this other world. From the first sentence I assumed the bowls were empty. That's just me though. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I haven't left the day job at the day job, it seems. Grammatically, "pale in the stingy light" modifies "bowls" rather than "hand" since the former was the last noun.
ReplyDeleteI do like the phrase "stingy light," however. I'd read on.
I love your first sentence. Very evocative! The second lost me a bit. I think it may be trying to convey too much. Nevertheless, I'd read on. :-)
ReplyDeleteWas it her hand or the bowls that was/were pale in the light ?
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I'd read more of this. :]
Hmm...it intrigues me that there is such importance placed on a plant. I'd read on to find out what kind of story this is.
ReplyDeleteFirst sentence is very vivid, I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteSecond sentence reveals a little bit about the character and her world, also draws me in, makes me wonder if she's cooking or preparing medicine or getting ready to cast a spell.
I do assume that her next step is to check the lilybulb, to make sure it's suitable for whatever use she's putting it to. (I'm also assuming she's not blind, as Wulf is hoping, since she refers to "stingy light" in the first sentence.)
I like it all. I like the humor of the second sentence. I already feel a personal connection to the character, who prays such modest prayers.
ReplyDeleteYikes. Unmanageable name alert! Naw, it’s not that bad on second glance, but that was my very first thought. Hmmm… we have some sort of herbalist digging through her supplies. Nice, but not terribly catching. I’m not hooked based on this.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first sentence but felt the second was trying to get too much info in one sentence. I'd introduce Tapio later. Nice scene though.
ReplyDeleteInteresting set up. I'd read a bit further to see if tension/action is introduced soon.
ReplyDeleteIn the first sentence I'm confused by what is 'pale in the stingy light,' the bowls or her hand.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure these are important pieces, but whether or not bulbs have bugs, bruises, or diseases, just isn't doing anything for me.
I think you need to let the reader know why this is important.