Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 48

A cold sweat gripped me as I gazed around the light colored walls of the gym and a shiver surged from the tips of my painted toes to my scalp. I didn't want to be here today, especially not today.

15 comments:

  1. Oooo... intriguing. I'd read on. These sentences raise a lot of unanswered question.

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  2. The mood of this is terrific. I definitely want to know why the narrator doesn't want to be in the gym.

    My one comment: "Tips of my painted toes to my scalp" is a highly overused cliche. It draws from the mood for me. I'd try to find a fresher, more original way of showing her fear.

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  3. Yes, I agree this is intriguing. I'd read to see what happened.

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  4. I could have done without the shiver being that the cold sweat conveys her mood well enough. Good questions raised here. I'd read on.

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  5. I loved this too, although I got caught up on "light colored walls". You could maybe just say "walls" and be ok.

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  6. Good mood, good voice.

    But how exactly does a cold sweat grip something? Besides being cliche, it's not logical and annoying for your wulfish readers, at least.

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  7. Yeah I agree with Wulf - some personifications are awkward and this is a perfect example of one. Sweat gripping... etc. I like the overall idea, think it's really intriguing, but I think you've got too many overwritten parts for it to work for me. The "shiver" bit, the "painted toenails", etc.

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  8. I like this.

    One thing that yanked me out of the mood was a mention of her painted toes. Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong kind of gym, but I would NEVER go around barefoot at my gym... :[

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  9. Painted toes? You mean painted toenails?

    I'm intrigued though, why being at the gym is such a fear-enducing experience for the MC.

    I'd give it a few more sentences.

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  10. No. I'm just not being pulled in.

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  11. Intriguing. I would read on to see what's going to happen. Good little way of telling us it's a girl with the painted toenails.

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  12. The second sentence hooks me. The first feels cliché.

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  13. "Light colored walls" is vague and flavorless. Either drop the color altogether or name it: white, ivory, beige, pale yellow, whatever.

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  14. I'm not quite hooked. The language and complicated sentence structure don't match the apprehension that the MC is describing, IMHO. The first sentence feels like forced emotion to me.

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