Wednesday, December 3, 2008

F2S 48

A cold sweat gripped me as I gazed around the light colored walls of the gym and a shiver surged from the tips of my painted toes to my scalp. I didn't want to be here today, especially not today.

15 comments:

Lyon said...

Oooo... intriguing. I'd read on. These sentences raise a lot of unanswered question.

Jeannie Ruesch said...

The mood of this is terrific. I definitely want to know why the narrator doesn't want to be in the gym.

My one comment: "Tips of my painted toes to my scalp" is a highly overused cliche. It draws from the mood for me. I'd try to find a fresher, more original way of showing her fear.

Carol said...

Yes, I agree this is intriguing. I'd read to see what happened.

gypsywitch said...

I could have done without the shiver being that the cold sweat conveys her mood well enough. Good questions raised here. I'd read on.

Amanda said...

Ooooo, nice. I'd read on.

AC said...

I loved this too, although I got caught up on "light colored walls". You could maybe just say "walls" and be ok.

Wulf said...

Good mood, good voice.

But how exactly does a cold sweat grip something? Besides being cliche, it's not logical and annoying for your wulfish readers, at least.

Steph said...

Yeah I agree with Wulf - some personifications are awkward and this is a perfect example of one. Sweat gripping... etc. I like the overall idea, think it's really intriguing, but I think you've got too many overwritten parts for it to work for me. The "shiver" bit, the "painted toenails", etc.

Sponge said...

I like this.

One thing that yanked me out of the mood was a mention of her painted toes. Maybe I'm thinking of the wrong kind of gym, but I would NEVER go around barefoot at my gym... :[

fairchild said...

Painted toes? You mean painted toenails?

I'm intrigued though, why being at the gym is such a fear-enducing experience for the MC.

I'd give it a few more sentences.

Just_Me said...

No. I'm just not being pulled in.

Bethlene said...

Intriguing. I would read on to see what's going to happen. Good little way of telling us it's a girl with the painted toenails.

Anette J Kres said...

The second sentence hooks me. The first feels cliché.

Fennel Giraffe said...

"Light colored walls" is vague and flavorless. Either drop the color altogether or name it: white, ivory, beige, pale yellow, whatever.

Lori said...

I'm not quite hooked. The language and complicated sentence structure don't match the apprehension that the MC is describing, IMHO. The first sentence feels like forced emotion to me.