Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #25

TITLE: Recess Isn't for Sissies
GENRE: MG Contemporary

The first day of my last year at Our Lady of Never-Ending Misery started the same as every other year.

47 comments:

  1. Yes, because I absolutely love the voice here and the line made me smile!

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  2. Yes.

    Cute and totally fits the expectations set up by the title and genre.

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  3. No, nothing special happening, no voice and feels like just yet another year, could use some forewarning?

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  4. Love 'Our Lady of Never-Ending Misery', but this depends on what happens next. I'd want the next lines to be funny, and/or want to get straight to why this day is different, not the same, or I'd lose interest.

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  5. I hate to say no on this one because I like the idea and the voice. But it felt clunky to me. I had to re-read a couple of times to get the drift. Maybe because of all the time references? I think with some tweaking, it would totally work.

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  6. No. I got tripped up on 'first day of our last year at yadda yadda'. If I have to reread the sentence to get it, I usually pass.

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  7. Yes, because I loved "Our Lady of Never-Ending Misery," although I did find the first sentence a bit of a mouthful.

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  8. No. The sentence is too clunky, and it's too common of an opening.

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  9. Yes. At first I was leaning toward no, but then I went back to yes. The voice is cute and the title is cute. I'd trim down the wordiness, but it was enough to grab my attention.

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  10. No. While I like the specific mention of the school name, the sentence overall was too convoluted for me to follow. Had to reread several times.

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  11. Yes, but mostly because of the wonderful "Our Lady of Never-Ending Misery." The first and last part of the sentence are overly wordy and required too much thought to figure out where the character is in time: first day/last year/every other year.

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  12. No. It sounds like we're going to hear about the same boring kind of day. I loved the name of the school however, and I'm sure there's a story to come.

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  13. No. Maybe I'm just dim, but I didn't get what 'Our Lady of Never-Ending Misery' was. School?

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  14. No

    The only interesting part was the name of the school, but i couldn't tell if that was hyperbole or not since we don't know anything about the speaker yet

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  15. Yes- you had me at Lady of Never-Ending Misery. I'd give this to all my Catholic school friends!

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  16. No. Everything is as it always is. That doesn't grab me in any way. Unless this ends with an until X, Y, and Z happened I haven't been pulled in enough to wonder about anything. If the next sentence is that 'until X happened' then I'd be a yes.

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  17. No - I was torn, but ultimately I'm not reeled in enough. I felt it sounded a little clunky too. But I do love the name of that school.

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  18. No. Seems a bit wordy and generic, even with the playful "Our Lady of Never-Ending Misery." I'd wait to introduce the faux name until a rhythm has been established. Would be more hard hitting, IMO.

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  19. No. It's the same as every other year which means to me "dull." Sorry. I need something more interesting and less "telling."

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  20. No. I like the voice, but the sentence is too long and if this year is the same as every other year, this may not be the best place to start the story.

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  21. Yes. You had me at "Our Lady of Never-Ending Misery..."

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  22. No. I think it doesn't entice people to read on but this is the type of first sentence I tend to write too so you're not alone!

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  23. No. First-last-never-ending-every-other was too much to keep up with. I liked the humor, but had to back up and reread to anchor myself at the story's starting point. I liked the humor in the school name, though. Maybe if the sentence began, "My last year. . ." I wouldn't have gotten hung up.

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  24. Yes. Great voice. Love the school name. I think the sentence is too long though :)

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  25. Yes. I love the snarky voice. It also hints that even though the day started the same, something is going to be different.

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  26. Yes - funny, even though it made me stumble a tad

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  27. No
    Too long and complicated.

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  28. Yes, because I think it's funny and has good voice (particularly the "Our Lady of Never-Ending Misery" part). That said, I did trip over all the first day/last year/every other year stuff. Also, if it's the same as it's always been…why is THIS a crucial moment for the story to start?

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  29. Yes. Haha. I love the name of the school!

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  30. Yes. This made me laugh. I definitely want to read the next line.

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  31. Seems like this is done quite a bit, especially with YA or MG. Find a better way to start or you'll be competing with a lot of other authors who begin this way. You want to stand out.

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  32. So-so, Yes I like the voice but I think the sentence could use a hint of something more.

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  33. Yes-BUT, I have to just point out that I've seen this type of opener a lot, that "today started like any other day..." and then the wacky BUT! comes in. You can certainly leave as is, but maybe push for something new that isn't as expected. I agree, the voice is there.

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  34. No - no suggestion that anything interesting or out of the ordinary is going to happen.

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  35. Yes but do think it is a little clumsy. Had to read it twice

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  36. Yes. I'm on the fence on this one, but leaning toward yes.

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  37. Yes. I like the title, the name of the school, and the characteristic MG voice.

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  38. Yes. I love it. great voice. And I can soo relate to it!

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  39. No--'It all started . . .' is cliché, and has been done way too often. And if her day starts the same as every other, why start here? Why not one of those other ordinary days?

    The answer is because something different happens later on. That would be a better start, on the day, at the time, things were different, and tell us, or better yet, show us, what that difference is.

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  40. Yes - you had me at Our Lady of Never Ending Misery :)

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  41. No. While I like what it is saying, it was a very awkward read to make sense of it.

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  42. OH friggin' YES!

    The tone, the energy, the 'what's to come' waiting for the other shoe to drop. Don't know who this kid is but I love 'em!

    OH friggin' YES!

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  43. No. I had to re-read it. Although with some editing, it'll be perfect.

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