Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #44

TITLE: Witness
GENRE: YA Sci-fi

It is twenty-seven seconds before sunrise and I am leaning against the chain-link fence that no one remembers.

61 comments:

  1. Yes. Immediately I want to know two things: 1) Why and how the MC is so precise on time, 2) The significance of a fence and why no one remembers something that's there. As a caveat, if knowing the precise second to sunrise isn't important to the story, then it needs to be left out.

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  2. No, sort of intrigued but just not enough.

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  3. I like this a lot, it's quite lyrical and has nice voice and I want to know why no one remembers the fence. However I think it'd sound better with contractions.

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  4. A reluctant no. I am intrigued by the exact time reference and the chain link fence, but not enough.

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  5. No: the protagonist feels static and I haven't learned anything about him/her.

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  6. No, but only just. I think it's just because fences and countdowns have a distinctly dystopian vibe in my mind these days.

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  7. Yes, I like the way it sounds and am intrigued.

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  8. Yes. Chain-link fences aren't necessarily memorable, so I'm intrigued by why not remembering this one is noteworthy. Curiosity piqued!

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  9. Yes. I want to know why the time is so important. And why someone should remember a chain-link fence.

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  10. Yes. Flows nicely, I'm curious about the time, and why the MC is somewhere no one remembers. Hooked.

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  11. Yes. It left me with questions I wanted answered.

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  12. No. Present tense is not my favorite. It takes a lot to get me to read beyond a first sentence in present tense.

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  13. Yes, I want to know how she can count time that accurately!

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  14. Yes. The voice and the unique details (the twenty-seven seconds and the fence no one remembers) are an instant hook for me.

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  15. No. I think there's definitely something here in the concept of a forgotten fence, but it's not quite enough. I'm a bit adrift on the sentence construction, too. There was a lot of information there and it didn't quite parse.

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  16. Yes. As said before: the countdown and the forgotten/unknown fence intrigues. I'm hoping for the next few sentences that explains.

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  17. Yes! Gives the impression of a really good mystery.

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  18. Yes. As others have said, the precise time is intriguing, plus why doesn't anyone remember the fence?

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  19. Yes - ish. :) Love the "no one remembers" part, but maybe needs something more active than leaning? Or more interesting than a chain link fence?

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  20. No. I don't feel the need to find out why the protagonist is there twenty seven seconds before sunrise. I'm more interested in the fence, and I mean that in the best of ways.

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  21. No.

    I'm not a huge fan of sci fi, so I'd need a super compelling first line to pull me in.

    I don't get a sense that 27 seconds has any significance. I'd probably be more intrigued if I knew right off the bat that she HAD to be there at this EXACT time.

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  22. No. I don't understand why no one remembers a fence (or how the MC knows it).

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  23. Yes- sounds interesting, like going back to childhood place or something.

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  24. No (ish). I'm intrigued by the idea itself, but think the sentence could be tighter, snappier, and (therefore) more compelling.

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  25. Yes.

    I like the way it sounds. The character definitely has a point of view.

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  26. Hmm. I'm curious, so yes. I like the voice enough to keep reading.

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  27. Yes. I think it could be better though. I am instantly intrigued by a fence that no one remembers. But I feel like its place in the same sentence at the super accurate time is weird. Unless it's important. maybe make it two sentence?

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  28. Yes. I would read at least one more line.

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  29. Yes, I'd want to see where this leads. Something about it quirks my interest. Probably because I want to know what the significance of that 27 seconds is.

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  30. Yes. I'm intrigued as to why no one remembers this particular chain-link fence, and why have that precise a time.

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  31. YES. I must know why no one remembers that fence!

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  32. Yes--if the sentence ends at sunrise. This is very much a personal preference, but I love short, snappy first lines. I think cutting it off there creates mystery, and the following part feels more like an explanation that drags it down. The second half could easily be its own sentence.

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  33. Yes. I'm a little curious, and I also get the feeling that the writing will be detailed and descriptive, which I usually enjoy.

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  34. Yes. You had me intrigued at the exactness of 27 seconds, then hooked me with 'that no one remembers'.

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  35. Yes. Even though I'm sorry of irritated by the combination of precision -- 27 seconds -- and contradiction -- a fence that exists but which nobody remembers. Or maybe this is why I'd read on :)

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  36. (Yes). Ack! *sort of irritated. Apologies!

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  37. I don't know...I would read another sentence but then I'd give up it was just as vague.

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  38. Yes, IF you condense it. It feels too long or wordy. I wonder if this would work:

    It is twenty-seven seconds before sunrise and I am leaning against a forgotten chain-link fence.

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  39. No. The second half of the sentence lost my interest. Is there only one forgotten chain link fence in the world?

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  40. Yes. Simple but lyrical. Well done!

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  41. Maybe. Make it a bit more concise and I'd say yes.

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  42. Yes, this opening totally grabbed. Why does no one remember the fence? What's going on? Love it.

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  43. Yes. Why are we at a non-remembered chain link fence so close to sunrise? Intrigued.

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  44. No. Must be vampires if they know so specifically when sunrise is.

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  45. Yes, I think it's interesting enough for me to want to see what comes after it.

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  46. Yes. However, my brain automatically read it with contractions. When I read it as written, I wanted those contractions back.

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  47. No - I liked the first part, but would have finished at chain-link fence. When I read the last four words, my first thought was POV. How does he/she know no one remembers it?

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  48. Yes. I find it intriguing that it's important that the fence isn't remembered.

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  49. Yes. There's a subtle, quiet intrigue to this sentence.

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  50. Yes. My first question is whether the "no one remembers" is figurative in the sense that we refer to old things that become overlooked with age, or literal (being sci-fi, seems entirely possible). And second, the 27 seconds is intriguing as not only an oddly specific number, but also an oddly short one for the scenario of waiting for sunrise.

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  51. Yes. I want to know more about this world.

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  52. Yes! I loved the specifics - 27 seconds, sunrise and chain-link fence - but I wished for an ending that was just as specific, like "...fence around the old nuclear plant." But, still, it grabbed me right away. Good job!

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  53. Yes--It's intriguing, and I wonder about that fence and why he's so precise about the time. You could tighten it.

    Twenty-seven seconds before sunrise, and I lean against the chain-link fence no one remembers.

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  54. Yes. I like the intricate details of the exact time and 'that no one remembers'.

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  55. Yes. I like the image of a fence no one remembers. Not so keen on the leaning though. Maybe focus on how the wire feels against the skin or something that's solid to contrast with the idea that it is forgotten.

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  56. Yes. I'm not a big fan of present tense, but I like the lyrical nature of the sentence and the mysteries it raises.

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  57. Yes. It makes me ask "why?" Always a good thing to keep someone reading on.

    However, if the next sentence involves a vampire, I'm done, lol.

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  58. Yes, I'm intrigued by the fence that no one remembers.

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  59. Yes. I like the fence part. Why doesn't anyone remember the fence? Why is sunrise important. I have the exact opposite reaction, if it's vampires, I'M IN!

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  60. No. Because it feels too much like a tease and the chain link no one remembers just makes me feel confused.

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