Thursday, June 27, 2013

First Sentence #41

TITLE: The Triangle
GENRE: YA Fantasy

Just because you're being sent to your death in one week is no reason to slack on your chores.

51 comments:

  1. Yes! I love the voice and I'm really curious to see why they are being sent to their death and are sort of nonchalant about it.

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  2. Yes. Love the juxtaposition of humor and doom.

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  3. No... sorry, I didn't connect with this line. Wish I did as others did. There's nothing wrong with it.

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  4. No - but that's because I think being sent to your death is a perfectly good reason to slack on chores!

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  5. Yes, because I love the dark humor and what I suspect is sarcasm about chores when death is imminent.

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  6. I'm an sure but leaning towards no. I'm more interested in the potential reason for the death than the chores.

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  7. Maybe: yes, because I'm curious about why this person has to deal with chores when he/she's going to get killed.

    No, because it feels forced, like this would be a sentence someone would say to the protagonist.

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  8. Yes - I love that this is a YA Fantasy and it already starts with someone being sentenced to death. I would put in some quotation marks and maybe the person who said it, also.

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  9. Yes! Love the voice and the dark humor. I do have some issues with the wording, though. Might sound better as, "Being sentenced to die in one week is no reason to slack on your chores," or something like that. I feel that having "just because" and "reason" in the same sentence is a little repetitive and clunky.

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  10. Yes. It made me laugh, but the voice sounds MG to me. I'd keep reading anyway.

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  11. No. While I liked the humor I found the juxtaposition of a death threat and chores to dissipate the tension. If the narrator is unconcerned and not invested in the death sentence I have no reason to be either.

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  12. Yes. Great tone. Also manages to convey several ideas (upcoming death, dedication to duty, one week time frame) without weighing the sentence down.

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  13. Yes. Excellent voice and 'sent to your death' adds stakes. Read on for sure.

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  14. Yes. I need to know who and why now. really good.

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  15. Yes! I'm totally intrigued and I love the voice.

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  16. Yes. I love the voice, and I want to know why the MC is being sent to their death.

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  17. Yes, but no.

    Like everyone else: I like the voice. But i'm confused by the voice. When I first read it, it seems like a Mom speaking to her child. But... there aren't quotation marks. So then it leads me to believe it's the MC talking about someone else. If that's the case, then the threat doesn't seem to apply to the MC and why should I care about someone other than the MC at this point?

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  18. Yes! Funny voice. Hope it keeps up!

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  19. Yes. Although I wondered whether this opinion was the MC's (MC POV) or someone else's.

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  20. Yes... but, the voice sounds a little young for YA.

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  21. No. The language feels awkward, specifically with "is no reason" following "Just because you're being sent"—I think it would feel better to say, "Just because you're being sent to your death in one week, it doesn't mean you can slack on your chores." (Or something along those lines.) Also, while I'm super intrigued about the "sent to [his/her] death" part, it feels a little like a let-down to read about chores. It *is* funny, though, so if the sentence was a little smoother, I'd probably keep reading. :)

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  22. Yes. Love the voice and dry humor.

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  24. No. I was torn on this one. I definitely get a feel of the character. But if the MC is truly being sent to his/her death, the blasé attitude was a bit over-the-top for me.

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  25. Yes. This is exactly the type of offbeat humor that makes me want to keep reading.

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  26. No. I don't like the use of second person. I find it irritating before too long.

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  27. Yes. I'm interested in this character's voice, and the dark humor utilized.

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  28. Yes! It's intriguing and funny - the voice is very obviously tongue in cheek - and established in this one sentence. Wow!

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  29. Yes--although the POV is a little wonky to me (the "you"), as this sounds more like dialogue. I have read YAs where the narrator is chatty with the reader, so it could definitely work.

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  30. No
    Feels to familiar to me. Nothing to hook me, I feel like it's been done before.

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  31. Yes. I'd keep reading. I want to know more about the situation.

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  32. Yes. This is awesome. It sets up great character and voice.

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  33. Yes, I'd read more to find out why the character is being sent to her death. I like her laid-back attitude and would like to get to know what makes her tick. (Or him, sorry.)

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  34. Yes. It's a fun line, I just hope the rest of the story keeps up with it.

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  35. Yes. Funny and no frills. Second person POV wouldn't be my first choice though.

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  36. Yes. The voice pops out right in that sentence.

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  37. No. Perhaps because I hate chores and I'd use a death sentence as an excuse not to do them. Hard to relate to a character in the first line who is the opposite of yourself.

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  38. Yes. It made me laugh but it also intrigued me and made me want to keep reading.

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  39. Yes. I liked the humor.

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  40. No--It's a statement, rather than story and has little substance. I'd rather know why he was sentenced to death, and who it was that condemned him. What did he do to deserve the death penalty? I think the answers would be more compelling than a throw away line.

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  41. Yep. I'm hooked. I want to know why he/she is going to die, why they can still do chores before hand, and I love that it's got voice. Though you don't tell us which 'person' it is (As in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd). I'd guess 1st, but you might be doing something different, like 2nd, which is what's it's in. Just something to think about.

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  42. Yes. Ha -- love the voice. The "you're" threw me a bit, not a fan of talking to the reader, but I would read more.

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  43. A grudging yes, but it doesn't read smoothly and I dislike the MC addressing the reader.

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