A blog for aspiring authors
No.I'm not sure of the punctuation here. I think you should have 3 sentences rather than 1.
No. I'm afraid the sentence structure needs work.
No, needs a bit more work and restructre.
No: like someone else just said, this feels like several sentences squished into one. I'd suggest restructuring it. For example, a hint that the narrator is the one chasing after Art would be more interesting.
No - maybe a better description of Artie. The three parts of one sentence are a little disconnected.
Yep. You caught me--I squished my sentences together for this exercise. There are three.
No. Theseare3 sentences, not one. And splitting them will emphasize Artie's fast pace.
Very sneaky, Karen! In that case, I'll say yes. If the sentences were separated, I'd get the idea that someone was admiring Art's speed. Maybe his brother (judging from the title)? I'd read on to find out. Though there's also the chance that this is third person, and Art is speaking about himself. If that is what's happening, I don't particularly care for it.
This comment has been removed by the author.
No. Why are they running? It didn't pull me in.
No. The sentence structure feels off. Mostly the punctuation. The first line "Artie sure was fast on his feet" might work though. Somewhat general, but a nice solid concept.
No. The voice actually felt more MG than YA to me.
No... the voice isn't quite right and since I have no idea why he's running or where, and it's obviously not the main character, I'm not sure this is the place to start, sorry.
No. Should have stopped at the semi-colon.
No. The voice sounds young, and it should be three sentences.
NoThe structure really threw me off. Like, honestly i wondered if the semi-colon was added in to make two sentences into one just so both could make it into the crit
No,LIke the comment above mine, the structure of the sentence through me off.I also think the introduction of the nickname could wait a little bit.
No- I'm with the confused group here. Sorry.
No.Not sold on the voice. It feels very young, and sort of overly vernacular-y in a forced way.
No... I read the sentence three times and was still confused.
No. I'm confused by a couple of things: 1) is Art another person, a nickname for Artie, or an art class he's about to attend? 2) Wet grass doesn't seem like something that would necessarily slow a person down. I'm sure it could slow someone down, because they'd have to be careful, but wet grass connotes more of a slippery situation than a make-someone-slow situation. So…yeah. A little more precision in the images and ideas presented would help with making this clear! :)
Yes. Just fix the grammar. I like the voice.
No. Sentence construction is off.
No. This sounds like reporter speak. Telling not showing. I'd rather see Artie slide across the wet grass and miraculously keep his feet. Something that tells us about both the narrator and what he thinks/feels, as well as Artie.
No. Besides the punctuation issues, there's nothing particularly interesting or original in the sentence. Also I had some confusion in that I wouldn't think wet grass would slow anyone terribly, unless he were to slip or it were really tall, thick grass.
No. The punctuation confused me, and it's very contradictory.
No. The grammar seems wrong, and I'm weirdly picky about these things. Also, for a thriller, it doesn't pack much punch.
NoNeeds more structuring.
No--I was confused on what was meant by the "not Art." I think I get it, but this reads a bit clunky. Also the POV feels strange with the narrator telling the reader about Artie, but I am used to seeing either first person POV or close third in YA rather than a distanced narrator.
No. The sentence should be edited grammatically.
No. I think this is better as two sentences and I Art being fast doesn't intrigue me enough.
No. No cheating. (I probably would have said yes to the actual first sentence.)
No, sorry. I'm not sure how art and being fast fit together.
No. Perhaps if the sentence is pared down to "You’d think the wet grass would slow Art down..." If he's being chased, making it "You'd think being chased through the wet grass would slow Art down" would amp up the tension to a fast yes from me--I'd want to know who and why.
Just. I would have been more intrigued (as a first sentence only) with the seven words of your real first line.
No--Perhaps - Artie sure was fast on his feet. Then show him running, or show the narrator running and trying to keep up.
No. The punctuation makes it feel strange, and it doesn't sound like a YA voice - it seems too young.
Yes, I like this. Does sound a little MG but this depends on what comes next.
I haven't checked back with this in a while. But if anyone is interested, and not sure this is allowed, but here's the WriteOn Con entry: http://writeoncon.com/forum/showthread.php?12236-YA-Thriller-Brothers-On-The-Rim. It's two sentences. The narrator is 15. Thanks for the comments everyone.