Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #12

TITLE: Rescue Me
GENRE: Contemporary LGBT

"Hey Jacoby, ready to clean?" Hollister McIntosh called.

30 comments:

  1. No. Sorry, I really would suggest not starting your story with a conversation. We need some sort of introduction firs.t

    ReplyDelete
  2. No. Nothing interesting in that. (Also, I'll confess, after seeing the genre, my mind took that sentence somewhere I'm sure you didn't mean for it to go. Yes, I read too much m/m erotica, but still.)

    ReplyDelete
  3. No - If you're starting with dialogue, I'd try to start it with dialogue that gives a better sense of what's going on, or at least a sense of a character's personality.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No. Dialogue's a tough one to begin with; I'd need a little more back story before a line like this to get invested.

    ReplyDelete
  5. No. There's no reason for my to find this dialogue interesting yet. Maybe with more back story

    ReplyDelete
  6. I won't vote on this one since I'm biased. Having read the whole novel, I know it's good, but judging this one line by itself, it doesn't showcase your amazing voice.

    ReplyDelete
  7. No.

    I'm not a fan of opening with dialogue, but if you're going to do it, it needs to be a heck of a line. This doesn't tell us anything about anything.

    ReplyDelete
  8. No. This doesn't introduce conflict or tell us anything about the characters.

    ReplyDelete
  9. No. For me the first and last name being included made it feel a bit stilted.

    ReplyDelete
  10. No. Starting with dialogue is possible, if the line is intriguing. This line is referring to the mundane task of cleaning so the subject steals some of the opening's power.

    ReplyDelete
  11. No, I don't want to read about cleaning.

    ReplyDelete
  12. No. I'm not a big fan of opening with dialogue because we don't know who is talking.

    ReplyDelete
  13. No
    -because it's opening with dialog and I don't know who's talking yet.

    ReplyDelete
  14. No.
    I've read a lot of pros and cons about opening with dialogue. I'm on the fence, myself, but unless the dialogue is compelling I'd say open in the action instead of with a call to action.

    ReplyDelete
  15. No - it's generally a bad idea to start with dialogue and this is an example of why. I know nothing about Jacoby, Hollister, or what it is they're going to clean.

    ReplyDelete
  16. No, sorry but starting with a call to clean is not a book for me.

    ReplyDelete
  17. No. There's nothing yet intriguing, and three names in the first eight words is way too many for me.

    ReplyDelete
  18. No- doesn't promise anything

    ReplyDelete
  19. No.
    In this first sentence you’ve got characters. I’d like to see them introduced more slowly. Ready to clean sounds like chores or housework. These are two things I read to get away from!

    ReplyDelete
  20. No. Don't open with dialogue.

    ReplyDelete
  21. No. Nothing interesting about cleaning and no idea who either of the characters are or their relationship.

    ReplyDelete
  22. No - Cleaning is not that interesting, and there is nothing here that lends characterization.

    ReplyDelete
  23. No. Opening with dialogue is a tough sell. To be effective, it must do the same things as straight narrative. This line gives us no sense of where, when or who is in the story. It sounds like a normal mom. For instance, it might work better if it said something like, "Hey Jacoby, ready to clean the blood off the walls?". A little dramatic, but certainly more attention getting.

    Consider starting in a different place, or if this scene is necessary, start with something interesting about the characters.

    ReplyDelete
  24. No. I don't feel like reading about cleaning. But cleaning blood (like MargotG said) would be compelling.

    ReplyDelete
  25. No. I'm not interested in cleaning.

    ReplyDelete
  26. No.

    I've spent two thirds of my life cleaning. I don't want to read about it. Surely these guys have something more interesting going on?

    ReplyDelete
  27. No. This sounds like something later down the page, but is not engaging as a first line.

    ReplyDelete
  28. No. My first thought is the next set of paragraph at all going to be about cleaning something. And that would be boring.

    ReplyDelete
  29. No. Two cutsey names in the first line kill it for me.

    ReplyDelete