Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #15

TITLE: Chaos and the Dark
GENRE: Fiction

I began to worry when my reflection stopped looking me in the eye.

43 comments:

  1. Yes, because of the unexpected action of the reflection.

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  2. Yes. I like the voice and I wonder about this unusual occurrence with the reflection.

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  3. Yes, because that's a super creepy thing to happen! Interesting voice and narrator.

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  4. Yes. Love the twist end of the sentence.

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  5. Yes. It's an intriguing setup. I wish you would have posted your novel's genre.

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  6. Yes. I'm intrigued and slightly creeped out all at once.

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  7. Yes. I am fascinated with reflections and their creepy potential. Also, this has a sense of tension to it that makes me want to know what happens next.

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  8. Yes.

    But it was close for me. I think the sentence is clunky, and could be tightened or even rearranged for more punch

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  9. Yes, but really close. I think it's awkward to start with "I began to worry" because there's no frame of reference for me. But I like the idea! I think it might be better to play it bold: My reflection had stopped looking me in the eye.

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  10. Yes. This is so intriguing and gave me a chill in the back.

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  11. Yes, I actually visualized the reflection looking down.

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  12. Yes, I was on the fence because the wording does need work. But then I was thinking, man, what do you have to do that even your own reflection wont look at you?

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  13. Yes
    -I like the creepy reflection thing and definitely want to see where this is going.

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  14. Yes, this was creepy and it made me laugh out loud. What a fun combination.

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  15. Yes.
    That would worry me, too! Actually, I don't love "I began to worry," as a starting point, but the visual that I get of my own eyes shifting from contact in the mirror is strong enough to engage me.

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  16. Definitely yes. I love creepy starts. Imagining what this would look like is pleasantly disturbing.

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  17. No. I want to, but no. "I began to worry" sounds to casual for the occasion, and I think "when my reflection stopped looking me in the eye," would be much stronger as "when my reflection looked away." I guess it's much creepier to me to think of my reflection doing something it isn't supposed to do than not doing something it is, if that makes sense. I like the idea, but I don't think your writing adequately conveys the terror of the moment.

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  18. Yes, but no. I like the idea, but it's a little clunky. The reflection should refuse to look her in the eye or something more active.

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  19. Yes. I definitely want to know what *that* means. However, if the next few sentences don't give more of something - character, scene, answers, something - then I'll become much less interested.

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  20. Yes, I want to know more immediately.

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  21. Yes. The narrator has stopped looking herself in the eye and I wonder why. I'm also intrigued because this is designated as fiction rather than scifi or fantasy. To me that means this person has something she really doesn't want to face and I wonder what it is.

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  22. Yes- the strange twist hooked me

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  23. Yes.
    It creates a very creepy feeling right off the bat. I’m intrigued and want to read on to find out what’s happening.

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  24. Yes. Love the image and the possibilities.

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  25. No. Looking in the mirror at the beginning is not interesting even though it's not the usual description.

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  26. Yes. Odd, though, because it feels like rather ordinary writing, but the strangeness is interesting.

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  27. Yes. I'd read on to see why.

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  28. Yes. Creepy and unusual. I'm hooked.

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  29. Yes - Great voice and a unique situation.

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  30. Yes, mainly because I thought the concept was original.

    However, I'm not a fan of stories that begin with a look in the mirror.

    That being said, I think you could make this even better. Did your character really 'begin to worry' at that point? Not sure "I began to worry" would be the way to start out the sentence.

    Also, "stopped looking" could be changed to "refused to look" -- I dunno.

    I think this is intriguing though. Gave me a Picture-of-Dorian-Gray kind of moment.

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  31. Yes. This is a perfect opening: succinct and interesting.

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  32. Yes. I'm interested to know if this is literal or not.

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  33. Yes. It's a twist on the cliche of a character looking in a mirror.

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  34. Yes.

    Reluctantly. The situation grabs my attention, but the writing makes me think I may regret reading more.

    Consider what is important in that sentence. Obviously, it's the reflection looking away. That's what you want to emphasize. Drop the worry, because we can infer that this guy should be worried.

    I looked at my reflection, but it didn't look back.

    You could even add where he sees his reflection to give us a sense of place.

    I looked at my reflection in the lake (he's outdoors) as opposed to - in the mirror (probably indoors) but it didn't look back.

    Or you might say what it did do.

    I looked at my reflection in the mirror and it looked away.

    If you have the word 'when' in your sentence, it's more than likely a weak, telling sentence.

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  35. don't hate meApril 10, 2014 at 6:51 PM

    Yes. I mean I'd be worried too. I need to know more. I do see Barbara's point but just changing it to "I worried when my reflection stopped looking back at me." would keep your structure and punch up the sentence. - But I read on either way.

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  36. Yes. Absolutely. I want to know what's going on/ going to happen.

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  37. Yes. Although I think you should use stronger wording rather than 'began to worry' as in minimizes the impact.

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  38. Yes. Unexpected and intriguing. I would keep reading to figure out why this person's reflection isn't meeting his or her eye. Hints at a compelling back story, too!

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  39. Yes. But qualified. I'm afraid this is going to be one more vampire story - but if it more Dorian Gray than Dracula, I'm in.

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