Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #18

TITLE: Entwined
GENRE: YA Fantasy

I sat slouched my desk, listening to Mr. Pitman's lecture on ancestry; the whole where your roots originated from thing never appealed to me.

31 comments:

  1. No. The line doesn't draw me in and make me want to keep reading. Many kids are bored in class, so how is yours different?

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  2. No. The phrasing is awkward and the situation is common and uninteresting.

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  3. No. It's kind of long and seems like it could be too obvious a set up.

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  4. No. There's nothing about that line to engage my interest.

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  5. No. There's just nothing specific enough to make me care, and the way the lines are spliced together is awkward.

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  6. No. The line seems wordy (why restate the first half's idea in the second half of the line?), and it's hard for me to sympathize with a bored character.

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  7. No. I'm just not interested in where this is going. No snark, just boredom in the voice.

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  8. No

    The technical errors were too much for me. There's a word missing almost immediately, as well as either quotations or hyphanations missing around the "where your root..." bit

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  9. No, I don't mind where it begins, but would like more personality or snark in the voice for me to be on his or her team. Plus the second half of the sentence is awkward.

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  10. No - I think this could be worded much better. The ending is awkward and when the character feels bored, so will I as a reader.

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  11. No. The bored demeanor of the character infuses into the reader. If this character is bored, they will more than likely focus on something that does interest them. Consider starting with something along those lines.

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  12. No
    -because the working feels clunky and the situation doesn't stand out. If he's bored then I'm likely to be bored too.

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  13. No, not at all. Bored character = bored reader. And it's hard to read. Maybe should be two sentences?

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  14. No.
    I think this is two sentences. After the semicolon, you introduce the voice. I like the character better in the second phrase, but the first phrase didn't engage me.

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  15. NO. This entry has two run-on sentences and doesn't fit the criteria.

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  16. No. I do like the potential link between the title and ancestry. I also liked that you showed the narrator's interest in the subject by the slouching body language. I also liked that we know where we are, in class. Although, many YA stories open in class/school, so using it may be a cliche.

    What doesn't work for me are the
    grammatical errors and run on sentences. A simple run through a grammar editor would help point out those problems.

    It appears that you've attached the second sentence onto the first to add tension. It doesn't work. Consider adding tension to the first sentence by having her trying not to look at the clock, or doodling the hundredth cartoon character on her notebook, or something like that.

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  17. No.
    This is the second (or third) bored student opening I’ve seen in these samples. Maybe instead of the student bored in class, you could move the scene up to just after the bell rings and he escapes.

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  18. No- poor proofing/grammar make it unreadable

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  19. No. Missing words and a bored student are not grabbing me.

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  20. No. May be my taste in fiction, but this character seemed too disinterested and whiny for me to want to read on. Am guessing you are setting up a boring "before" world (as this is fantasy) but this opening alone didn't grab me.

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  21. No. Why would I care that it doesn't appeal to someone I haven't been introduced to yet.

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  22. No - Words seem to be missing or the phrasing is off. Makes me feel like the rest will be a difficult read as well.

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  23. No. Had to read it a few times to really make sense of it. First off, "I sat slouched my desk" is missing a word -- I assume you meant "at" my desk. Okay, we've all done this before, but an opening sentence... eek.

    If this is YA, one must assume that a person reading this story knows what the word "ancestry" means without having to explain it in your sentence. If you feel the need to do this, I suggest you use hyphens for readability (i.e., "...the whole where-your-roots-originated-from thing..."). JMO ;)

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  24. No. It's weird sentence structure.

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  25. No. The sentence structure threw me and a lecture on ancestry doesn't pull me in anymore than it pulls in your character. The phrasing also sounds very modern to me. I don't typically think of Fantasy as being modern (although this one may be).

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  26. No. I think some punctuation is missing which caused me to stumble a few times. Sitting in class is a rather cliche opening unless something interesting is happening.

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  27. don't hate meApril 10, 2014 at 6:43 PM

    No. I stopped and had to re-read. It's missing a word.

    I sat slouched ON my desk. I wouldn't continued with an error in the first sentence. But even then it's confusing.
    Stick with 'I sat on' or 'I slouched on'.

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  28. No.

    Too many simple mistakes in one sentence. My thought is that I'll be editing instead of reading the rest.

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  29. No. Punctuation is off, which always throws me, especially in a first line

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  30. No. This reads like two sentences, not one, and doesn't create a character I'd be interested in reading about.

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  31. No. I had to reread the line several times and I'm still not sure what it means.

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