Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #28

TITLE: Cadence
GENRE: YA Thriller

The first of the plain black SUVs arrives at one thirty.

47 comments:

  1. Yes. I can tell we're start with a scene, and I'm already curious if the black SUVs are indicating a funeral or government procession. Based on the tone, I'm guessing we'll shortly see who our main character is and why he / she cares about the arriving vehicles.

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  2. Yes. I want to know what the black SUVs are arriving to do. I want to know what's going on!

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  3. No. It's telling, not showing, and doesn't create an image that draws me in.

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  4. Yes. The black SUVs show that there's something uber-secret and cool is about to happen.

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  5. Yes. As a reader I already have some connotations in mind with black SUVs that makes this seem sinister, and that it's just the first implies there are high stakes at play.

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  6. Yes. You've set the scene for something that's about to happen.

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  7. Yes. But only just. The image of the black SUV promises government intrigue of some kind. That coupled with the Thriller genre would keep me reading. But I better meet a character pretty soon.

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  8. Yes.

    I like the mystery this sets up, especially the "first" part, because it tells me there will be more of them coming.

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  9. Yes--there's a certain tension already present from the line and I like that

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  10. Yes. I like how we're in the middle of the action in a subtle way.

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  11. Oops, that Anon comment above is from me!

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  12. No. It simply does not grab me.

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  13. No... I want to give a good reason, but I'm with ahtenniscoach. Perhaps if it were showing rather than telling it would draw me in.

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  14. Yes. Love the title. First line suggests some formal gathering and a lot of mystery.

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  15. Yes - This has a very ominous feel. Usually good things don't come from unmarked vans.

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  16. Yes but with caution. I agree that I need to know what these black SUV's are doing pretty quickly and how they fit in with your main character.

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  17. No. Despite the ominous feel, the line doesn't draw me in. The tone had excellent potential though.

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  18. No-It didn't grab me. I'm a product of suburbia, but I see a dozen black SUVs in the carpool line every day. I needed something more distinct.

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  19. No, this line tripped me up (trying leaving out "of the") and frankly, what's special about plain, black SUVs? Also, the use of present tense with the knowledge that this was the first of many seemed incongruous and made this hard to read. I had to read it a couple times.

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  20. Yes.
    A plain black SUV is ominous.

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  21. Yes. We're starting off with an interesting visual, in scene, with possibly a little mystery. :)

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  22. No
    -because it's telling and vague. Is there anything distinctive about these black SUVs? Also not a big fan of present tense.

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  23. No. "SUVs" is an ugly word and the other words are boring.

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  24. Sarah Maury SwanApril 9, 2014 at 3:52 PM

    Yes. But it's wavering yes. I agree with the no comments to some extent and I think writing out "one thirty" is grammatically incorrect. Plus, there should be an a.m. or p.m. indication, such as "Showing up in the dark night only as it passed a street light." On the other hand, I think most people will immediately think FBI or Secret Service when they read black SUV. So I would read a bit more. Good luck

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  25. Yes. I'm a sucker for ominous, big brother stories.

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  26. Yes. Nothing quite says ‘men in black’ like the black SUV rolling in. You know there is going to be intrigue and powerful players whenever those show up.

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  27. No. It smacks of CIA/Secret Service and a funeral. The present tense also troubles me some. I want it to be in past tense, and I anticipate a chase of something that might feel like motion sickness if it's all in present tense.

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  28. No- it's not enough- it could be a car delivery-little suspense

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  29. No. Black SUV makes me think of a thousand tv shows I have already seen.

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  30. No. The wording didn't flow for me. I think it is the use of "arrives"

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  31. Yes. The newish trope of 'black SUVs' works here, establishing danger and hinting at conspiracy and cover-up with just a few words. As long as you throw some of the conspiracy tropes on their head as the scene moves along, you've got me.

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  32. Yes - I want to know more about these vehicles - how many more will come, what has the MC done to deserve menacing vehicles such as these, etc.

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  33. No. While it makes me mildly curious, this line doesn't quite stun me.

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  34. Yes. It gives me an image of a funeral. I want to know if I'm correct.

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  35. Yes. That even sounds like a thriller opening to me. Is it the government? Is it the mob? Is it a funeral? Who are they and what do they want? I'm hooked.

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  36. No. It could partly be a personal preference issue, since this isn't a genre I usually read, but there's nothing here to ground the reader, and the image strikes me as a bit generic and overdone. (As someone else said, there seem to be a lot of creepy black SUV's in TV shows.) And I'm a bit leery of present tense; it bothers me that it seems to be a fad right now, as not everyone can do it well.

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  37. Yes. Those few words told me a butt load of information.-- But "one thirty" confused me at first. 1:30 (for me) would reads better.

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  38. Oh, to add on "black suv" means spies, cops, MIB type stuff so I know something is about to go down!

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  39. Yes. I'ts specific, implies there is more to come, and feels ominous.

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  40. Yes. Nice tight writing, I want to know what's going on.

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  41. Yes - but only just.

    Black SUV's are a bit of a cliche on tv, so the next line needs to be good.

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  42. No. There's no connection to character, not even a hint of the 'voice' of the character giving an impression whether these SUV's are something to fear, something to be excited about, etc. It's a bland, cold fact.

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  43. No.

    A car arrives. It's not enough. Where does it arrive? Why does it arrive? How does it arrive? If you show the SUV arrive, you could get all, or some, of that in.

    The black SUV screeched to a stop in front of Elmore High.

    The black SUV rolled up beside me at the red light, and the man inside pointed a gun.

    Both sentences offer more than the original. Give us more.

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  44. Yes - it sets up a mysterious tone and makes me wonder what is going on.

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  45. Yes. Simple and ominous. I totally want to know what's happening next.

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  46. No. Mildy interesting but black SUV's have been used, and used and used.

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  47. Yes, it sounds ominous and I would read on.

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