Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #29

TITLE: Summoner Battles
GENRE: YA Magical Realism

"ARE YOU READY FOR A BATTLE?" The announcer blared over the speakers in deafening tones.

48 comments:

  1. No. The first line didn't grab me despite wondering what kind of battle is coming. I think it's more because you started with a question but also because there are a lot of battle books out there and it's hard to see what sets yours apart.

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  2. No (but close! I love a good battle.) It's a bit redundant--you don't need to write it in all caps and say "blared" and say it was in "deafening tones" pick one of the three and use the other words to further capture my attention.

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  3. No. This seems like the car crash Authoress warns about. You're starting with a battle before we even know where we are or who the main character is.

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  4. No. You introduce action without any reason for me to care about it.

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  5. No. I immediately think WWF and I'm out.

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  6. No. Much like Leah I got a wrestling vibe, and that's not my thing. I was also really turned off by the caps.

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  7. No. Because frankly I'm not ready for a battle, especially between characters I don't know.

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  8. No. I'm with those who thought of wrestling.

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  9. No.

    Opening with a blaring challenge to battle is too loud and disorienting. We don't know who's talking, who's listening, what kind of battle, the consequences of win or lose, and because we don't know these things, we don't care. For me this is too aggressive of an opening. I want to know something about the characters and setting first. I want to become invested in them.

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  10. No - it sounds like pokemon or one of a million similar video games.

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  11. No.

    I'm not a big fan of opening with dialogue. Also i think the tag could be tightened and cleaned up

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  12. No. It sounds like it's leading into a scene that doesn't have enough development (both character and world-wise) for the reader to be able to keep up with what's happening.

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  13. No--just based on that sentence. It doesn't mean the concept might not catch me after a page, but I'd like a more specific idea of what kind of battle this might be

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  14. No, I, too, thought of wrestling. And the all caps threw me.

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  15. No. All-caps, "deafening," and "blared" -- that's just too much to tell me that the voice is loud. Less is more (particularly in magical realism).

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  16. No - This reminds me too much of a wrestling match or a fight, and that just doesn't interest me.

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  17. No. This first line doesn't give me anything specific enough to care about, so I'm not interested in reading the second line.

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  18. No, agree with others. WWF or something similar is not my forte. Although the title implies otherwise. Leave out blared or deafening, don't use both and show us where the main character is before you start with dialogue.

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  19. Yes. While the caps was a bit jarring, I find the mention of a battle intriguing. It also makes me wonder the POV: are we in a fighter's head as he waits to enter the ring? Maybe a member of the audience. I'd keep reading.

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  20. No. Between the all caps, "blared" and "deafening tones" I feel like I've been bludgeoned with this first line. I like action and even battle scenes, but this holds no interest for me.

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  21. No.
    ALL CAPS, "Announcer blared" and "deafening tones" put me off. I understand the drive to pull the reader into the drama, but shouting doesn't work for me.

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  22. Yes. This line feels like a curtain coming up on a scene of *something* interesting.

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  23. No
    -Not a big fan of all caps, ever, and it's starting with the announcer, which I assume isn't the main character.

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  24. No. There is too much redundancy in this first sentence. All caps means shouting so it's loud, blaring means it's loud, deafening tones means it's loud. You only have to show me once, I am a quick learner.

    I worry that this book will be filled with these type of redundancies.

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  26. Sarah Maury SwanApril 9, 2014 at 3:43 PM

    No. Quite frankly, I'm sick of all this dystopia nonsense. If it is going to grab me, it has to be really special.

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  27. No. I don't think I'd read on, but I'm not drawn to combat sports, and I'd be afraid it would play heavily in this book if that's the first line.

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  28. No. While I like the immediacy here, I think it’s a bit overdone with the all caps, blared and deafening. Maybe back up the scene a few moments and let your character come forward.

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  29. No- there maybe promise, but not enough to grab me

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  31. No. I have been in a firefight before and there is nothing romantic, fun, or cool about battles. I also do not like books that begin with dialogue.

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  32. No. Felt as if it has been done and done before (there's currently a commercial that uses a variation of this even).

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  33. No. The all caps with the deafening and blared was too much in one line.

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  34. No. Feels like it's going to be a Hunger Games knock off.

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  35. No. I have no interest in being thrown straight into a battle with unknown characters.

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  36. No - Not nearly enough information for me to be hooked. All I know is that it is a battle and that the announcer was loud.

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  37. No - makes me think Hunger Games and immediately feel like I've been there already.

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  38. No-I'm sorry to add to all these no's! It comes across as being a bit shouty and obnoxious. HOWEVER, if that is your intention and if the next line is going to include your MC rolling their eyes or taking that first line down a peg in some way, then I think it's a perfectly fine beginning.

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  39. No. I imagine this is a first line that probably works much better in context.

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  40. No--it sounds too much like the beginning of other things I've heard.

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  41. No. I'm afraid I have to agree that this setup doesn't sound very original, and that the use of all caps in the announcement is off-putting -- especially when added to 'blared' and 'deafening'. But I also wanted to point out (since it doesn't look like anyone else did!) that this has one of the punctuation errors Authoress was just talking about last Friday; the first word in the dialogue tag ('The announcer blared...') shouldn't be capitalized.

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  42. No. For me it was the redundancy of loudness in the sentence too. Though battles are always interesting, I worry about continued repetitiveness in the story.

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  43. No thanks.

    With the word 'battle' in the title it seems like you're writing for a very specific audience - those who love battles.

    But I dont mid opening iwth dialogue. Done well, it can draw readers in quickly.

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  44. No. You've put the reader in a white room with no characters to connect to, no idea what's going on, no reason why they should care about some kind of vague 'battle'.

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  45. No.

    I'm hearing 'Are you ready for some football!' and I'm not. You're also saying the same thing three times. The upper case announcement says it's being said loudly, the blaring announcer says it, and so does deafening.

    Who is your MC? A player? A spectator? Place him at this battle. Let him or her hear the roar. The character is your story.

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  46. No. The image didn't capture my attention and I didn't like the combination of 'blared' and 'deafening tones.' The combination felt like too much description and didn't create much of a picture.

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  47. No. There are no specifics to draw the reader in. There are lots of battle scenes - this sounds pretty generic. Helen

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  48. No, I'm not fond of a battle. And I'm assuming it would be with swords or some sort of medieval means.

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