Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #3

TITLE: The Cray
GENRE: YA Fiction

In the minutes before the Turney, Union Square had the energy of a hornets’ nest trapped under a bucket.

33 comments:

  1. Yes. While I'm not sure what the Turney is, there is enough hint of action to come in this sentence that makes me want to read more.

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  2. Yes. An unusual metaphor, but I want to know what the Turney is and why Union Square is so nervous!

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  3. Yes - it has a hook and I can tell something interesting is about to happen.

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  4. Yes! This has a great balance of information given and questions raised. One of my favorites of the bunch.

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  5. Yes! Great hook and original metaphor. This is my favorite.

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  6. No. While the imagery is interesting, I feel like the energy should be referred to in reference to the main character, not the entire square...if that makes any sense.

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  7. No. This is close, though. I'm interested in finding out what the Turney is, but the "hornets' nest" analogy feels a little cliche.

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  8. No. I'm pretty sure "Union Square" is a real place but I can't think where so I'm left feeling untethered. (Just "the square" would have an entirely different effect.) Also, the idea of excitement before a tournament is kinda a given. Not enough specificity to make it stand out.

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  9. Yes. I like the metaphor. However, it's barely a yes because I get the sense that you've thrown us into a situation that your readers know nothing about.

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  10. Yes.

    But it was tentative for me. I wish i was more grounded and i'm kind of confused about why Turney is capitalized.

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  11. No. I was thrown by the spelling and capitalization of "Turney" as I am more familiar with tourney. Also, while I like the metaphor, it felt overly extended.

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  12. Yes.
    Do you mean tourney? That's my guess, anyway. I liked the energy metaphor.

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  13. Yes - The description gives me a great picture of what's going on and lead's to immediate conflict.

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  14. Yes - but a bit of a shaky yes. Although I loved the image you've created I think a character would pull me in more.

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  15. Yes-the description helped grab me

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  16. Yes. I don't know what the Turney is, but this is a cool image and that makes me happy.

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  17. No. I like the imagery, but the opening phrase doesn't ground me in place or time, so it seems wasted. Add to that the fact that there's no character to connect with.

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  18. Yes. Nice metaphor. Right away I get a visual plus the noise and energy of the place.

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  19. Yes.
    I like the voice and the way it hints at the conflict and setting.

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  20. No. I was too distracted by the metaphor. Was trying to picture hornets, what a hornets' nest might actually look like, then a bucket, the the noise/buzziness of it all... and I lost sight (in my mind) of Union Square and the mysterious (to me) Turney.

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  21. Yes. I'd read a little more to find out why the Turney generates this kind of buzzing energy.

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  22. No - The comparison felt trite, and I don't know what a Turney is.

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  23. No. I had to read it several times to understand it. It was 'Turney' that stopped me cold. Consider cutting the entire first clause. The last part of that sentence has wonderful energy and imagery and gives a sense of place. To me it can stand alone. Introduce Turney later, perhaps with a brief explanation.

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  24. No. Only because a couple of things distracted me.

    I believe "turney" is supposed to be "tourney." And why is it capitalized? Is that a proper noun?

    Also, aren't hornets' nests typically suspended? Usually in a tree or attached to a roof? If so, how can they be "trapped under a bucket"? This really didn't work for me.

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  25. No. But it's mostly a personal preference. It just didn't grab me, and it doesn't sound as if would be about something I would really be interested in reading.

    However, you do need to rewrite this so that it's the hornets themselves who have the energy, not their nest -- it doesn't make sense as it is -- or perhaps you might want to choose a different metaphor.

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  26. Yes. I don't know what a turney is--feels British--but there's enough there for me to read on.

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  27. No.

    I liked the hornet's nest, but it's a weak sentence to start, and then there's the spelling mistake, and I'm thinking perhaps the story isn't quite where it needs to be yet.

    Cut - In the minutes before the Tourney. That's what's killing the sentence. Get rid of that, and the sentence gains strength. Never start a story or chapter with a prepositional phrase. Never.

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  28. No. There's nothing particularly unique about this. And I don't even have a character to attach to yet. I'd rather know what the main character is feeling before the Tourney or why it's so important.

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  29. Yes, though the sentence could be tweaked to nix the "had" which would read a little more active and vibrant.

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  30. don't hate meApril 10, 2014 at 7:43 PM

    Yes. I get a location. I'm pretty sure the "Turney" is bad - shutting down power. (Or maybe it's good, release energy into something else.)

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  31. Yes. but barely. The image of hornets saved it, but the confusion/vagueness of 'the Turney' turned me off (pun intended). I think part of the problem for me is, 'in the minutes' because it's so specific that it makes the first half of the sentence feel lopsided with the vague 'Turney' coming immediately after.

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  32. Yes. But qualified. Get rid of "In the" - begin the sentence with "Minutes" and it has a greater sense of urgency. I don't know what the "Turney" is and it would be helpful to know - then the energy level might make more sense.

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  33. Yes, draws me in...

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