Wednesday, April 9, 2014

First Line Grabber #9

TITLE: Golden Hills
GENRE: New Adult Contemporary

Alice Lin pretended to read her book while thinking of a nice way to say no if he asked her out.

28 comments:

  1. No. Sounds like typical love-sick teenager story and I don't know that she's going to tell me a good story from this.

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  2. No - I don't feel like anything interesting is about to happen, plus it does that talking about a "he" that I don't know who "he" is to know why the main character wouldn't want to be asked out by him.

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  3. Yes. I've definitely done this sort of thing before myself, so I can relate. I want to see where this situation's going.

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  4. Yes. I would do a bit of tweaking with the phrasing of the middle of the sentence, but this seems like a nice, awkward opening to make you understand the characters.

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  5. No. Such a cliche situation that I'm beyond uninterested.

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  6. No. It's too pedantic for my taste. Maybe you started in the wrong place. What's the story about and what's about to change for your character? Start there.

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  7. No.

    It was close for me, though. I think it was just a bit too wordy/clunky for me, though

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  8. No. It lacked a certain specificity. Perhaps if we knew the book or the guy, something to elevate it past every other time this kind of things happens, I'd be more intrigued.

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  9. Yes. This line works great, especially for your genre. It shows who your character is right away, and more importantly, that something concrete is about to happen. It's one of the few entries that actually accomplishes that, so it stood out to me. Well done.

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  10. No. I think the sentence could be edited to read better.

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  11. No
    -becuase I don't like the full name given at the start, makes the narration feel too far removed from the story and also, the pronoun has no sentence in front to modify it. Who is he?

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  12. No.
    The scene is static. Maybe if you added how she feels it would come alive.

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  13. No - I think this could be interesting, but the voice is kinda bleh. Fora first line, it needs more punch.

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  14. No- Not enough to grab me

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  15. No.
    There isn’t anything here that grabs me. She’s about to shoot the guy down. Do I want to stay and watch the train wreck? Probably not.

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  16. No. Though I really just don't have a strong feeling on this one way or the other. There's nothing to offend, but not much to latch onto either.

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  17. No. Too much too soon. I'd like a better feel of who the characters are and why she thinks he's going to ask her out before I'm thrown in with the answer up front.

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  18. No - Just not that different of a story.

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  19. Yes. But only just. I like the gentle opening. We know the MC and that she has an immediate dilemma. The sentence could be tightened. For example, we don't need to know everything.

    "Alice Lin pretended to read her book, while thinking of a nice way to turn him down."

    That leaves a little tease about what she thinks he is about to ask her. I would read more to find out if he does ask her anything, who he is, and if she shoots him down in a nice way.

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  20. Yes. Very relatable. I'd like to see where this goes.

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  21. No. Alas, the situation just seems too ordinary and overdone. And I agree that referring to a nameless 'he' in the first sentence doesn't work; it feels a bit contrived.

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  22. No. It feels cliche. She's not the type of character that interests me.

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  23. No. There's nothing particularly unique about this.

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  24. No

    She's thinking up an excuse instead of just telling him no. Not the kind of woman I want to read about, and I'm feeling like she will go out with him anyway, and that'll be the story. Nothing original.

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  25. No. I don't get a clear hook from this.

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  26. don't hate meApril 10, 2014 at 7:02 PM

    No. Not enough emotion. Is she annoyed or worried about saying bug off.

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  27. No. I like the idea, but this could be tighter AND give some impression of what she thinks/feels/etc.

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  28. No. LOTS of people pretend to be doing something to avoid direct contact with another person.

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