Thursday, September 22, 2016

Talkin' Heads #17

TITLE: SMART IN HEELS
GENRE: MG Conemporary

Mr. Rayburn, the vice-principal meets the kids in the hall. The Mathalon team needs to have three female members to compete. “And we don’t at this time have any.”

 

Viola raised her hand.

“Oh, yes,” Mr. Rayburn corrected himself. “We have only one.”

“Does this mean I only got picked because I am a girl?”

“Let’s just say it was in your favor.”

“That’s not fair. I answered more questions right than anyone.”

“Yes, you also got picked because of that. May we continue? You there, tall girl. You’re on the team.”

Candy sputtered but got the word out in a panic. “No.”

“Yes. You are the tallest, so you are on the team.” Mr. Rayburn looked at sore-loser. “See how that works. Everyone on the team is best at something, even if it’s not math. We’ve got the richest and the best shoes, and now we’ve got the tallest girl.”

Candy wanted to jump out of her shoes and sink. What a day to have worn her high-heels. “I don’t want to be on the team.”

“You’re needed.” He pointed to Leslie. “And lastly, you. The sassy one.”

“Sassy? Excuse me?”

“Yes, just like that. You will be our third female. And why didn’t you go out for the team. You’re obviously good at math.”

“Read the shirt.”

“Yeah, right. You’re on the team, Ms. Lu. And I expect you to be our closer.”

“Can’t,” Leslie said in a hurry. “I have previous commitments.”

“Oh, you do not,” Viola challenged “You just think you’re too good for the team.”

“No, I do. I’ve already committed to being a cheerleader.”

Candy’s jaw dropped.

7 comments:

  1. I would love to see a beat before and/or between "May we continue?" and "you there, tall girl." I had a little trouble picturing the scene as Mr. Rayburn was talking. Is "sore-loser" clear to the reader from previous context? I wasn't sure if he was talking about Candy. Again, this may be clear from pervious contect, but I didn't understand what "read the shirt" was about. I'd change "Viola challenged" to "Viola said." It's pretty clear how she's saying that!

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  2. I would love to see a beat before and/or between "May we continue?" and "you there, tall girl." I had a little trouble picturing the scene as Mr. Rayburn was talking. Is "sore-loser" clear to the reader from previous context? I wasn't sure if he was talking about Candy. Again, this may be clear from pervious contect, but I didn't understand what "read the shirt" was about. I'd change "Viola challenged" to "Viola said." It's pretty clear how she's saying that!

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  3. Because you have four characters speaking, you might want to add a few more tags. I don't know who is saying, "Read the shirt." and the context doesn't make it clear. There are a few places where a contraction would sound more natural. (I'm a girl, rather than I am a girl) I think it's a very funny scene, but it would be stronger if I had a better idea of who is speaking.

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  4. OK - I am still laughing at "You there, tall girl.Your're on the team." I taught school for years and that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time - true, true, true.

    Did not understand "sore loser"

    I would love to know what Leslie Lu's shirt said. - Ha! She is sassy.

    I do wonder about the Vice-Principal. His way of picking girls almost seemed like he was a "Third Rock" Alien trying to pick a team. Still it was a GREAT scene!!!

    I am watching for this one to get published!

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  5. This is such a great exchange between characters and very MG.

    I don't think you need, "Yes, just like that."
    Also, add more tags so the reader is clear who is speaking.

    Very nice!

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  6. Definitely some great lines in here. The way the teacher picks his team is quite funny.

    A couple things...

    I can't see violet holding up a hand in the hallway (that's more of the class/large-forum action to me)

    I'd like 'Does this mean I only got picked because I am a girl?' line to have narration in front and maybe shortened to "I only got picked because I am a girl?”

    I don't think the second last line is quite MG talk either.

    I'd delete the 'only' in paragraph 2 as well, but I guess it depends how one reads it.

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  7. Fun exchange and nice dialog. I'm hoping that sore-loser (should that be capitalized?) is known to us from earlier in the story and that we've been told what is on the shirt.

    The "Viola raised her hand" might be better as she waved her hand – raised made me think she had a question, where waved let me know she's pointing herself out.

    “We have only one.” I suggest cutting the 'only'.

    'Shoes' twice so close sticks out
    "best shoes, and now we’ve got the tallest girl.”…Candy wanted to jump out of her shoes

    Ms. Lu. And I expect –this construction made me stumble, consider a comma and lower case 'a'

    Viola challenged-- think you could just us said or have an action beat (needs a period).

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