KNIGHT'S CURSE
Half angel and half human, Chalice knows that inheriting powers from your parents has its drawbacks. It's the reason she's abducted by a sorcerer, then taken to Chicago, where she's forced to use her supernatural senses to steal cursed objects for her kidnapper. Twelve years later, a note from her dead mother reveals a secret that will change Chalice's life forever.
As much as Chalice would like to tell her magical master to go to hell, it won't do her any good. She's branded with a gargoyle's curse and it takes a lick from the creature's tongue every three days to keep her from changing into the bat-winged devil of her nightmares. The only way to break the curse is to kill the gargoyle. Problem is, gargoyles are supposed to be immortal. Her fallen angel father gives her the secret for killing the beast, but freedom won't come without cost. Everything has its price, and for Chalice, the currency is death.
Oooh, YES! That sounds fun. I like urban fantasy and while I'm not overly fond of FMCs, this has promise. Gargoyles! Fallen angels! Maybe even explosions!
ReplyDeleteI would read the first pages to see if I'd want to take it home. :)
~Merc
I really like this, and fantasy isn't something I'm usually drawn to.
ReplyDeleteIf I could get my hands on more right now, I would definitely keep on reading!
~ Cate
Cut the entire firt paragraph. If that first paragraph is all I saw because the kids were screaming I'd put the book down.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph has promise. But stop with "immortal" I really hate it when the ending gets given away, after all, you want my money, right? So tease me a little. If I have to think about a way to kill someone immortal I'm more likely to buy the book just to see what your solution is. The way this reads I'd probably skip because you've handed away the ending for free.
first, sorry, keyboard issues today....
ReplyDeleteThanks! This is the hook I use in my query and it's gotten me 6 requests for fulls so far since I started querying in February, and about 15 partial requests. So it's working. But it took FOREVER to write. I know it's not perfect, but I'm gonna keep it for now.
ReplyDeleteJust_Me, it doesn't end how you think it does. There are a number of characters in this story, and a number of deaths. The currency is universal and there's an unexpected twist at the end. I'd never give away the ending in a blurb.
Hmm, this is the kind of story I usually jump for, but something's holding me back.
ReplyDeleteI think it might be that it *seems* like the blurb gives the ending away. Even though you've just said that the ending is different. I think I'd like the blurb to end on a more questioning note - a tiny clue that there're more going on than meets the eye.
This sounds very, very good, but I feel like you give a bit too much info away on it, losing some of the possible 'teaser effect' you might have gained. Cut back some of the detail so we don't feel like reading the back blurb is the condensed version of the book.
ReplyDeleteI liked this blurb and it drew me in. It made me want to know more about the MC. I agree with others, though, that it does seem to be giving the story away when you mention the father. Even if there is a twist after that, I'd maybe leave that bit out.
ReplyDeleteI'm ambivalent. There's a lot in here that definitely draws my interest, and I'd probably read the first couple of pages before making a decision. There's something "bogged down" about this blurb (too much info? not sure...), and I'd want to make sure the story didn't "feel" that way, too.
ReplyDeleteThe tongue-licking thing kind of icked me out. LOL
I really like the idea and the name Chalice is really great. The only problem is that it starts out too heavy, too much telling and not enough showing.
ReplyDeleteThanks, supermuppet, for commenting on my hook. 8^) Wow, this was ages ago! Anyway, just an F.Y.I., this is the exact hook that nabbed me my agent just a couple of weeks after I posted it here. Hee hee! Telling is a good thing in a hook. Seriously. 8^)
ReplyDeleteCool and congratulations! I like telling myself, but my submissions usually come back indicating that I should do less telling and more showing. I am glad to be proven wrong!
ReplyDelete