From THE GRASSHOPPER
"Excuse me?" the voice came again.
"What?"
"Could you desist?"
"Desist what?"
"You are about to wreck my home. Could you quit pulling the grass?" asked the grasshopper.
"Sure. Whatever." Jared moved.
"Thank you."
"So you upset the professor huh?" the squirrel taunted.
"Go away."
"You'd better move," the grasshopper said.
"What the…?"
The buffalo said in a voice of a little girl "What are you?"
"I'm Jared. What is this place?"
"This is my home, the prairie. You'd should run. The hunters are coming. They took the fairy princess that guards our home and got past the barrier."
"Fine,"
"Well, I'd better catch up to my herd."
"You do that."
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Hmmm, DL leaves me feeling confused. I like the idea of a grasshopper talking to the kid but the buffalo? Where did that come from? And a fairy Queen?
ReplyDeleteSorry, this leaves me more confused than intrigued.
I don't know what's going on. The dialogue gave me a few clues, but I needed more. The majority of the dialogue had no tags, so I didn't know who was talking and was left confused.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have trouble keeping track of who was speaking, but there were a few too many characters and things going on at once to get deeply engrossed by them.
ReplyDeleteThis certainly meets the criteria of the exercise, by propelling action forward with dialog.
Also, the dialog feels quite natural; easy on the ears.
Great job!
This is quite busy, which can work, but I couldn't follow who was speaking. It seems like at least two conversations going on at once, and I had a heck of a time trying to place this. Jared talks to a grasshopper, then a squirrel, and a buffalo. (to be a total snot, did you mean a bison?) If you didn't say "prairie" I would have been utterly lost.
ReplyDeleteI liked the way it started, with the grasshopper and Jared having such different voices, but I got a little confused after that. A little more context would have helped, as would dialogue tags.
ReplyDeleteI don't think this piece furthered the plot much. Not a lot happened.
I appreciate you posting your work. I know how hard it is to do that, and thank you.
ReplyDeleteI found the piece confusing about mid way and then lost interest... I would work on tightening it up.