“What have you got for me?”
“Nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“No, right now all I can tell you is that bodies around the city are bursting into random chunks and scattering themselves around the inhabitants domiciles and that it’s been happening, at random, for over ninety years. I have no suspect. No evidence. No connections. Just… bodies.”
“That’s not what I want to hear.”
“Well, it’s not what I want to say. But until some thug stops my in the alley with a clue-by-four there’s nothing I can do. I’ve taken to walking alone at night in the bad end of town in the desperate hope that someone with a fat lip and a lisp will grab me by the collar and tell me, ‘Mister Buttons is very unhappy about you asking questions about his personal business.’”
“Mister Buttons?” Evans looked amused.
“Yeah, Mister Buttons, who’s been hunting down an interstellar ring of zipper smugglers. He goes to their houses and makes it clear he’s very unhappy that they’re smuggling zippers onto his all-buttons turf!”
“That’s a terrible theory, Harlowe.”
“Yeah, well, it’s the best I’ve got.”
“I can’t name a planet where zippers are illegal.”
“This is the reason the case went cold, Evans. There were never any clues. The killer doesn’t play games, doesn’t leave messages on the wall, the bodies just appear.”
“Every serial killer has a motive. They always leave clues. There is always a connection. Keep digging. I’ll have one of the boys bring you some food.”
Does the dialogue propel the action forward? If not, why not?
ReplyDeleteYes, but it could be tightened and use more tension. And remove the passive voice. (ex: Both arms were pinned by debris would read better as Debris pinned both his arms.)
Do the tags/beats/internal monologues/short narrations work? If not, why not?
Yes, lots of good showing. However, I'm getting no sense of who the viewpoint character his. He strikes me as cowardly, and if that's intended, this is excellent!
And are you drawn into the story? Do you want to read more? If not, why not?
Oh, yes. I don't care for the viewpoint character and kind of hope they leave him to snivel in death. But the salvagers are intriguing! I want to know what they're up to. 8^)
Hmmm, not cowardley just old and frsutrated. It's two cops discussing a cold serial killer case that just went hot. I cut most the narration to make word count....
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comments, I'll try to go strip out the passive when I get to rewrites :)
Does the dialogue propel the action forward? If not, why not?
ReplyDeleteYes, it works. It's a bit wordy, but I love the humor with Mr. Buttons and zipper smugglers! :D That totally cracked me up.
I agree with Karen that it could use more tension, but I have no ideas on how to do that just yet.
I think this propels the story forward (again, that "action" word is bugging me ;)) as it shows the frustration of the characters trying to solve a cold case that got hot again.
Do the tags/beats/internal monologues/short narrations work? If not, why not?
I know you edited this (saw the one version on the forum) but in this excerpt I can't tell who the POV narrator is. However I think in the story itself it would make perfect sense (since I'd assume from the beginning we'd know Harlowe is the MC and FP narrator).
And are you drawn into the story? Do you want to read more? If not, why not?
Yeah, this drew me in. On the fence with whether I'd read more. Nothing about the case so far grabs me as really interesting; there's always the frustration of clues in these kinds of stories, so I'm not really surprised that there seems to be "no clues". It just doesn't lift it out of the ranks of other mysteries for me, SF or not.
I think if going purely on the excerpt here I would like to see more of Harlowe's personality and see something really unique. I don't read a lot of mysteries (not really my thing) but I do think we need to see something... bizarre or truly whacked out for this to catch attention. I wanna see what the bodies look like or who they belong to before my interest will be really perked. ;)
~Merc
Wait, this isn't the same one I read this morning. Did I read one, then comment on another? No. There was a switch here. The one I read was about a captain stuck inside a wrecked space ship or something, and salvagers wanted his ship for scrap. There was nothing about serial killers.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so now I'm reading this new one that's been put in its place...
Does the dialogue propel the action forward? If not, why not?
I think so. These two appear to be onto something, so some kind of theory is forming as to how to find the killer. Meanings are very clear and the voice is strong.
Do the tags/beats/internal monologues/short narrations work? If not, why not?
I'd like to see a bit more, but it could come before or after this section and that would be enough.
And are you drawn into the story? Do you want to read more? If not, why not?
Yes, it's compelling. I like the clue-by-four. 8^)
That's my fault, I e-mailed Autheress this in the early AM because I was trying to find something without narration and this was something I could cut the narration from without to much damage.
ReplyDeleteI wondered where the salvagers had come from... lol... anyways....
Yes, Merc, by the time this shows up in the story there are other twists and you'll know the characters better. This isn't a hook contest, just DL, no one said I had to take it from the start of the book! Or, for that matter, from a fully written piece and not just a glorified outline
This just leaves me with a heap of questions.
ReplyDeleteFirst, if there's no connection, how do they know it's a serial killer? Something about the bodies must be similar, the method of attack, or murder weapon, or something. I see some hinting at this, with the bodies in chunks (eewww!) but if that's all they've got, then that IS the clue.
Second, ninety years? That seems like a long time for one killer to be working. Wouldn't he be a bit feeble by now? ;)
Granted, there's no background here, but that's what I'd like to see them talking about- how did they connect this new case with one from ninety years ago?
I think there is a really good story in here, and I like the voices- I can really see these two detectives (one of them looks like Albert Finney in my imagination.)
So, I don't really see this as moving the "action" forward, but more of a clever info-dump.
Does that make sense?
Well, it's certainly witty and fun. I did laugh over the 'button mafia'. I so want a Mr. Buttons to be my evil antagonist.
ReplyDeleteI was briefly reminded of Mr. Bubbles from Lilo and Stich, and immediately took his on as the persona of Mr. Buttons, with larger buttons on his suit, of course. And a hat. A hat with a button on it. No doubt. But the sunglasses stay.
I think this is fun stuff and it does a great job of setting up a scene through the narrative, but doesn't move the action forward at all.
I wasn't confused or bothered by the lack of context, given the goals of the exercise.
Good work!
Cate- It's sci-fi, people live a bit longer. And there is a connection in the way the bodies are left (in pieces) and the killer leaves a thumbtack in the mess, but that's it, no notes, no connections suggesting why the killer picked his/her victims.
ReplyDeleteI know why, but the detective is suffering at this point.
Michael- I could totally see Mr. Bubbles playing Mr. Buttons from the Button Mafia. The image makes me laugh :o)
Hey, just_me, have you watched Dexter? I love that show, download it off of iTunes. Anyway, Dexter is a serial killer who dismembers his victims before disposing of them. His schtick is that always saves his victim's blood on a glass slide as memento. I only bring it up because I think it's an interesting correlation, the dismemberment thing.
ReplyDeleteKaren~
ReplyDeleteI've never watched Dexter. I'm a little scared that there's a show about a serial killer.... anyways, this one makes a map. The killer is obsessed with the one cop and stalks him. The link between the victims is that they're all people the cop spends time with. The cop doesn't particularly care for the people, he's not the touchy-feely type, but he knows them- they guy he buys lunch from, the old lady who cleans his apartment, the person who delivers his mail... that sort of thing.
The kills are triggered by jealousy.
I know, I probably need professional help because I think about murder in my free time....
Ha Ha! "Write what you know" ...;)
ReplyDeleteThe sci-fi angle makes so much more sense. I got a hint of that, but your characters were also joking around. I'm sure if the exerpt was longer I would have figured it out.
But I really liked those two characters, anyway.
I think a murder mystery is the perfect genre for this exercise. There are so many opportunities for characters to drive the narrative with big revelations- without going into "now I shall explain in detail my sinister plot" soliloquies. See- Kevin Spacey in the end of Se7en.
Yes, write what you know.... secret confession time:
ReplyDeleteI traveled back in time. I'm on a research committe funded by the Lesser Mars University Historical Documentation Club and, funny enough, my boss is a 3-eyed cyborg. And my last secretary was a crazed jealous psychopath who killed people with her stilleto and her gin.....
:)
Well, maybe not, but it sounds more exciting than my usual: "I live in Texas!" You could hide a spaceship out here but so far no one has bothered. (sigh)