"Abi, can you come here please?"
"What?"
"Can you calm down for a moment so we can converse logically?"
"What would you like to say, my sir?" she replied.
"Stop with this attitude." Without thinking he asked, "What can I do to make you trust me?"
"Jacob, I do trust you."
"No, you don't. Every time we get in an argument you walk away, every time you get angry you refuse to speak, I'm tired of being feared. Have I ever done anything that would lead you to thinking I'm like your father?"
"No."
"I'm going to ask one thing from you. Only one. Agreed?"
"What?"
"We are completely honest and open to one another with our feelings. This relationship is going to fail without communication. We have too much riding on this and too many obstacles in our way. I need this from you."
"I agree."
"Starting now."
"I'm angry because I feel as you diminish my want to help others and disapprove of how I act with Annie."
"I think you are a great mother. Is it realistic to believe you can help everyone in need?"
"No, but we can help a few."
"Yes, we can do as much as we can to improve the life of those around us. Feel better?"
"Sure."
"See that wasn't so hard. Now was it?"
Does the dialogue propel the action forward? If not, why not?
ReplyDeleteNo. I don't know what's going on.
Do the tags/beats/internal monologues/short narrations work? If not, why not?
No. There are no tags or beats. I can't tell who's talking. I can't tell whose viewpoint we're in. I get absolutely NO sense of who these people are.
And are you drawn into the story? Do you want to read more? If not, why not?
No. Without character thoughts and actions, this made little sense to me.
Oooo..... this is cheating, I know the backstory on this one.
ReplyDeleteKnowing what I do about the characters I think this is fine, but if I hadn't read previous bits it wouldn't particularly grab me.
Okay, I don't know the backstory, so I have no clue about setting. This sounds interesting, but without any clues (that could be given in the beats and tags), I'm lost. I do get a sense of the personality of the characters, but that's all.
ReplyDeleteThere is tension and progression here, done according to the exercise instructions, through the dialog. I think that's swell.
ReplyDeleteThe dialog itself was a little clumsy, imo. For instance, "because I feel as you diminish my want". If someone said that to me I'd ask if they were feeling well.
Otherwise, given the contstraints of the exercise, I think this does well.
Hmmmm. This is tricky. It seems like the end of an argument, and I do get an immediate sense of the dynamic between Abi and Jacob, although I don't particularly like these people. (not that it's necessary to like them)
ReplyDeleteI'd like just a few sparse tags and/or headers to give me an idea of pace.