TITLE: LURE
GENRE: YA Paranormal
It started on Friday, the second week of school. I’d just gotten my copy of Dracula for English, and was contemplating throwing it in the trash can next to my locker. No way in hell am I reading that. What a waste of time!
Shrugging, I chucked it into the depths of my locker and slammed the door. If I’d had any qualms about my new homework plan, that assignment wiped them away. The new plan was definitely on.
I breathed a sigh of relief as I walked into seventh period geometry, the only class I could actually stand. I slid into my seat and pulled out my notebook, smiling as I remembered how fast I had completed the homework last night. Ten minutes was a personal record.
I settled in to look over my homework – even though I was sure it was perfect – when a fresh wave of girly-babble hit me as Melissa and Kelly walked in. I cringed as they swept past my seat. They were talking super-loud, as usual. Like the whole world wants to hear their pathetic conversations. Not to mention the perfume overload as Melissa flipped her dark curls over her shoulder. Sheesh. Melissa caught my expression and gave me one of her patented sneers.
“Do you have a problem, Mitch, or did you just get some sawdust up your nose?” she asked me, her shadow covering my notebook.
These first 250 words have great voice/character to them. I love the phrase 'girly-babble'. My only qualm would be that there's no need to put the character's direct thoughts in italics. We get that those are his thoughts, not to mention the voice is so great, the thoughts would blend right in with the narrative. That's it, though! It's a good start with great character and what looks to be some conflict.
ReplyDeleteI'm not connecting with this character. He feels too consistently negative throughout this excerpt. Also, I need a reason to keep going. What is this story promising me that is making me turn the page to read on?
ReplyDeleteI thought it had a nice pace and a young feel to it.
ReplyDeleteMy one concern is I felt like I was reading a "girl's" voice until I saw that the MC's name is Mitch. I'm not sure boys recognize girly babbly and perfume overload the way girls do. Maybe it's just me though.
Good luck with your manuscript.
I liked the voice. Would take out the italcs. I got a little hung up on:
ReplyDeleteI settled in to look over my homework – even though I was sure it was perfect – when a fresh wave of girly-babble hit me as Melissa and Kelly walked in.
It as a little lengthy, maybe it was just me
I'd keep reading it to find out why he was so not into Dracula considering this is a paranormal.
I do like the title.
-a
I'd like to know why he didn't throw the book in the trash and what his original new homework plan was. These two things weren't clear to me and I suspect they are details that would have given me the desire to read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked this one and would definitely read on. I loved the voice. Definitely agree with the other comments about the italics.
ReplyDeleteI'm disappointed that this won't be a winner. This is one of the best YA ones I've read yet. And I started at 50!
Good luck with it!!!
Oh by the way, I agree with Amy. I thought it was a female mc until I got to the end. But that's might be because I'm used to reading YA in which the mc is female. I haven't read too many books with boy protagonists.
ReplyDelete(for some reason this didn't post earlier)
ReplyDeleteI think Angie hit the nail on the head, "I'd keep reading it to find out why he was so not into Dracula considering this is a paranormal."
I think you have a great opener, strong mc and I enjoyed reading the passage.
It sounds like Melissa is actually waiting for Mitch to comment on her snooty remark. I hope it’s a good one.
Good luck, I'd like to read more.
I really enjoyed this. I love the snarky voice. My only concern is I thought it was a girl. Mainly because it never occured me to think of a guy as a main mc since that isn't the norm. It is great to have male main character, so I hope this goes well for you.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!