Wednesday, January 13, 2010

8 Secret Agent

TITLE: Truth, Lies, And Everything In-Between
GENRE: YA Adventure

“Ma-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a!” my voice could shatter glass but, as usual, she doesn’t hear me - me, wounded and near death; me, her only daughter and truly the only thing that should matter in her boring, middle-aged life.

“MA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A!” I yell out again as I’m falling through the doorway, stumbling aimlessly in space, books flying, my stupid hair covering my face. My sobs are so loud that even my tears are too afraid to show up. I hate that! Dry-crying is so fake!

Finally, Mother of the Year Madison Somers comes running in from the garden … a.k.a., her second child. She practically lives in the backyard with the flowers and the weeds, talking to them, humming and singing stupid songs from the 70’s. Sometimes she remembers the words and off-keys them until my mind turns “Help Me, Rhonda” into “I’d Like To Kill You, Rhonda.” PopPop, cringing at the thought that she actually carries his DNA, always asks her what she did with the money he gave her for singing lessons but she just ruffles his hair, laughs in her sweet, pleasant, annoying little way, and then goes on singing.

“For goodness sakes, Frost! What is wrong? The neighbors will think I’m murdering you!” She rarely raises her voice ... says it’s undignified but now she is almost yelling as she comes running toward me.

“News flash! They think you’re killing me every time they hear you singing! By now, I’m sure they’re used to hearing weird and disturbing noises coming from this house!”


  1. While this was interesting, I found it a little confusing. Is she actually near death and if so, why can't her mother tell? And why is she more interested in what the neighbours think than in her near death? And who is PopPop?

    There are quite a few punctuation errors in here as well as 9 exclamation marks (which is a lot for 250 words). I like the voice, but I think it needs some work.

  2. The voice is strong -- but I had a negative reaction to the character. I know teens are embarrassed/annoyed by their parents at times, but this teen comes off as kind of mean and unlikable. It's a fine-line to walk, one I've had trouble navigating, so I'll be interested to hear what others have to say.

    Good luck!

  3. I like the voice, sounds like the average age where mom and daughter have daily battles; however, that said, it does come off a little too abrasive. I was a somewhat confused as to what was going on. I think the MC is likely not dying, but a little drama queen and thinking the world is ending? Maybe I'm wrong.

    Nit pick, as a lover of Oldies and Classic Rock: Help Me Rhonda is a Beach Boys song from around 1965, too early to be a 70's song.

  4. Hahaha. I love the melodrama aspect of this. :) She's got the whole "The world revolves around me so PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!!!" attitude down pat. Great writing for a YA. Love the dig at the end. :D

  5. A little confusing for me. Is she really 'near death' or is it melodrama? If she is really crying her eyes out, how does she have time to reflect on all that background? The backstory should be saved for a little later, when we are hooked into the story and care about the characters.

  6. I was a little confused as to why, when her mother finally asks her what's wrong, instead of just telling her, Frost brings up her mother's singing voice. Seemed a bit out of place if she's actually as upset as it seemed to me

  7. I liked Frost and her attitude. You created a great character and voice. But it did seem to go on a bit too long. Maybe cut out the backstory for now, that way the problem can be introduced. What is really wrong with her, and why is mom yelling when she's not in the habit of yelling? As is, all we have is a teen with attitude.

  8. I liked this, but like the others was often confused in the first 3 paragraphs. I didn't understand that the garden was the "aka second child" until 3 read throughs, and I thought PopPop was a song or a weird noise someone was making. Maybe you could at least put in a paragraph break to give us a pause and realize its a proper noun.
    But, even with all that, I still liked it and it got going in the last 2.

  9. Your character is a drama-queen and I liked it but for an adventure you didn't raise any story questions. My suggestion would be to cut some of the "singing" character development for later in the chapter, so that you can get further in the dialogue and story intrigue.

  10. I understood the near death humor of a teenager and thought the voice is strong. However, I am had a negative opinion of the main character so far and didn't really know anything about them.
    The writing is well done otherwise.