TITLE: In Due Time
GENRE: YA Fantasy
She had never been good at telling time. Now, as an invisible layer of moisture began to settle on the cool stone that surrounded her, she knew that the twilight of morning was upon her. The stone wall she leaned against was cold and she had long ago lost sensation in her fingertips and feet, but she lacked the strength to sit up on without its support.
Her name was Anabelle, and she was to be hanged at sunrise for theft from the House of Lord Abbott, along with other common criminals with whom she had shared a dismal existence for nearly twelve full days. For most of it, she had been exactly where she was now—hidden in her corner, trying to blend in with the stone until her execution. Her cocoa-colored hair faded into the dark, but her dress of light earth tones and creams stood out along with a pale arm, which was wrapped tightly around her knees in an effort to keep warm. Her other arm was tucked against her chest, clutching something against her breast, just above her heart.
The holding room was currently occupied by six prisoners, but soon there would be none. Anabelle didn't feel that she belonged in a class with any of them—she was innocent. The man who had been stealing on the streets all his life had finally gotten what had only been put off with warnings because of his family. Now he would hang and they would starve.
Very interesting. The style feels different, the omniscient narrator isn't seen as often in YA and gives it a fresh feel. Nice writing. The last two sentences completely confused me, though, and I wasn't able to figure out what it means. I would probably read a little further to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteI really like this voice. My inner editor wants to cut a few words here and there, but overall, it's good, and I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI'll agree. It’s got a very nice and compelling voice. The visuals and feel are prominent and I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked the story, but the last part tripped me up. We definitely know the conflict, that was smacked right up against our face. I'm interested in how the story played out to get us to where we're at.
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The second paragraph drew me in. First and third need a bit of tweaking. Lovely piece.
ReplyDeleteI was drawn right into the story. The language was great, like the "twilight of morning." It's such an interesting juxtaposition.
ReplyDeleteI agree, though, that the last two sentences were confusing. The first sentence tripped me up a little too. At first I thought she had trouble reading the time on a clock!
The writing is well done, although it did feel a bit distant to me. It feels like I'm being given an overview of the situation, rather than being there with Annabelle, but that's personal taste.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure who the man is that you mention at the end. I'm guessing one of the other six prisoners? And I'm wondering where I am. I know it's a prison, but where? Town, castle, church? The answer would help set a sense of place and time.
Really enjoyed the voice--could "see" the character fading into the wall, trying to hide from her fate. The last line confused me but I'm sure you explained later on. Nice.
ReplyDeleteI loved the descriptions and the voice, but I felt too distant from the character to care about her. I might read a little further to see what happens.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I was pulled in more by the second paragraph than the first. I was also a bit confused by the last two sentences.
ReplyDeleteIn the actual novel, the last paragraph doesn't end after those two sentences. It goes on to talk about the other people in the room with her and their various crimes, but the 250 word cut off ended with the thief, who I now realize needs a better segue.
ReplyDeleteOops, I wasn't supposed to comment >.< Itchy fingers.
ReplyDeleteI'd trim this a little bit, because it seems that there are quite a few "extra" unnecessary words. Also, in the first paragraph, you describe the stone as cold twice, and that might be unnecessary. Overall, I'm compelled to read more because I'm interested in Anabelle so good job developing the character!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. There's nothing wrong overtly wrong with this; it just didn't grab me. On the whole, I felt like I was just floating above the scene - but that seems to be what you were going for, so that's all right.
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