TITLE: THE COSMIC CHRONICLES OF DANNY J. SINGER
GENRE: MG Science Fiction
A loud knock on the front door jolted Danny Singer from his math homework. He scratched his head and put his pencil down, wondering who had come to the house. After all, his mom didn’t get off work until six o’clock and his trumpet teacher wouldn’t arrive until tomorrow afternoon.
Thump. Thump. Thump.
Three more knocks thundered on the door, echoing throughout the walls. Danny stood from his desk and padded down the stairs. He figured the mailman needed to drop off a package for his mom—she loved to buy old vases off the Internet.
Grasping onto the doorknob, Danny turned the handle and swung the door open. “Hey, do I have to sign something…?” His voice trailed off.
He blinked his eyes. Then he blinked them again.
It wasn’t the mailman.
It wasn’t the UPS delivery guy.
It wasn’t even Mrs. Delano from down the street who frequently complained about the Singer’s flowerbeds.
“Uh…,” Danny said with his mouth wide open.
His eyes widened as he stared at the thing in front of him. Standing over seven-feet-tall, the creature was covered in royal blue skin from its oval head down to its hoofed feet. It had two beefy arms that looked surprisingly human and two shaggy legs that looked like a horse’s hind quarters. A gray robe hung on the creature’s body and—strangest of all—a cheerful smile rested on its purple lips.
“Greetings!” said the creature in a strange accent. “You are Daniel Singer, I presume? Ah, you are smaller than I’d expected.”
Very interesting beginning. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI did have to stop reading at one point and start over though as my attention wandered. You have some unneeded detail - like reaching for the door knob and turning the handle. We don't need to know every little action and that slows down your pacing.
Fascinating creature.
The writing is clear, but the slow pacing drains interest for me. For example, the description of him opening the door seems overdone.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest pacing issue for me is where he sees the thing. His only reaction is to blink, then think about who it isn't, then say "Uh." The description of the creature that follows is also very matter-of-fact and calm.
I'm sure it's possible this is meant to be a lighthearted, fun monster-ish romp, but I'm not sure.
This is a great beginning.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple of tiny things I'd change. For example, "stood from his desk" would read better as "rose from his chair" or "stodd in front of his desk". Also, I've never heard the word "padded" used in this way. I assume it means some kind of running. Either way, it pulled me out of the story. Finally, I think the voice trailing off is odd when he has clearly completed his question. His voice would trail off if he said, "Hey, do I need to--?"
Overall, great job!
I like the voice but there were a few nit-picky things that threw me: you don't have to mention that the knocks are on the door because that kind of goes without saying; and "He blinked his eyes." You could cut off the last two words because there isn't much else he would blink.
ReplyDeleteI like the description of the creature.
This is interesting, but there's a lot of unnecessary info. You really could start with Danny opening the door. Also, after the description of the creature, it seems odd to say that the strangest thing about it was its cheerful smile :)
ReplyDeleteLiked this a lot. I agree with the others that this could be tightened, but your voice is great and you've got a nice start here. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like this a lot too. I agree with the others that you could tighten the middle of the page. But you get the reader wondering who is at the door and at the bottom of the page you raise more questions about how the creature knows Danny.
ReplyDeletePerhaps you could weave in a bit more about Danny as a character too.
Great voice. Good play with tension and surprise twist at the end that makes me want to read on. My only suggestion?
ReplyDeleteHere: "Danny said with his mouth wide open.
His eyes widened as he stared at the thing in front of him. Standing over seven-feet-tall, the creature was covered in royal blue skin from its oval head down to its hoofed feet."
I suggest deleting "His eyes..." It's a little too much teasing and it is redundant (eyes widening, mouth open, both signaling shock). I suggest something like...
"Danny said with his mouth wide open.
Standing over seven-feet-tall, the creature was covered in royal blue skin from its oval head down to its hoofed feet."
But maybe with a lead in between two sentences.
Hope that helps!
Jodi
I liked the feel of this and would definitely keep reading. Maybe you could start with Danny opening the door and standing dumbfounded as the creature says his line, THEN describe him.
ReplyDeleteGotta love it when a big blue monster comes knocking. ;) You have an enaging voice that keeps me reading (even over the bits that others have pointed out). This novel sounds like fun!
ReplyDeleteI loved this, but I didn't know what a UPS meant. I loved the weird creature at the end. I wasn’t expecting that. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like Danny's voice and would definitely read on to see just what the creature at the door wanted with Danny. So I'm definitely hooked. That said, there are definitely a few places--mainly in the middle--that could be tweaked to make it tighter.
ReplyDeleteFor example: Grasping onto the doorknob, Danny turned the handle and swung the door open.
This could be revised as: Danny grasped the doorknob and swung the door open.
You only need to mention either the doorknob or the handle, or else you risk sounding redundant.
Overall, though, I think this would be a fun, light-hearted read for younger middle-schoolers (especially boys). Very nice!
I really like your voice, and you've got a great flow here. Very easy to read through. I don't read MG or science fiction, and this jumped out at me.
ReplyDeleteI thought the thumping noises and 'thundered' in the next paragraph didn't see to match though. I'd also remove the hyphens from seven feet tall and the apostrophe in Singers'. Other than that, great first page!
I agree with most of the above comments. I think you could tweak that first bit to add a bit more info about Danny, like maybe how does he feel about his math homework, or how long has he been working on it. The pencil and the head scratching don't tell me much.
ReplyDeleteI love the big weird friendly creature and would definitely read on. I'm hooked.