TITLE: BYRNE RISK
GENRE: Middle Grade Science Fiction
Kate scowled at the beady purple eyes and wondered how this fresh catastrophe had happened. Why can’t things ever be simple? The murinda peeked at her from behind an empty beaker on the glassware shelf, his pointy nose sniffing the air. She glanced around her lab. Where there was one fur-ball on the loose, there were bound to be more. Duncan is so going to pay for this. The murinda's tag showed his number, but she recognized his green shaggy fur and the little black spot encircling his eye. She lifted her hand up to him, palm open.
“Come on, one fifty seven,” she whispered.
He sniffed her fingertips, whiskers quivering, before stepping down to her. She stroked his silky fur to calm him and tried not to panic herself. She had only been gone an hour or so, collecting samples in the forest, but somehow he had escaped. She scanned the shelves of chemicals, the counters cluttered with DNA sequencers, sonicators, and tablet screens, and the floors crowded with boxes of equipment. There were a million places for the tiny murinda to hide.
The familiar musty smell of animals filled the crowded room, and streaky sunlight filtered in through the blinds. Her notebook screen lay on the benchtop. Everything seemed exactly as she left it. Then a flash of purple ran under the bench, hurtled across the floor, and hid under a cabinet. Another wriggling yellow fluff, with a matching yellow tail, tried to squeeze under the sequencer.
I am definitely hooked by this one. I like the idea of little cute furballish creatures running around trying to hide in a laboratory, and I think middle grade kids would love it, too. I'm also wondering what happened to have them get loose and how they got there in the first place. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI like this, am intrigued, and would read on. However, I wanted to have a better sense of place, where I am and what is going on. It's obviously a fantasy world of some type, and it's not like you want a ton of backstory, but a line or so rooting your characters in their world could help.
ReplyDeleteSounds like she may have some trouble with tribbles... couldn't resist.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. I can picture the cute little fur ball and I want one for a pet - or maybe I'll find out I don't. I would read on to see what the escape artist is and what kinds of trouble it's going to get our MC in.
Nice writing, interesting story. It reminded me a bit of Gremlins.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't 'seeing' the murinda. You gave lots of details, but I still couldn't visualize it. Maybe some words that denote size and temperament might help?
And it did seem the narrator was much older than twelve or so. Still, I'd read more to see what the consequences of this great escape amounted to.
This definitely got me curious. There's a lot going on and since we're being introduced to murindas, sequencers, sonicators and the like, it's a bit confusing. Maybe a little less new stuff and a bit more that we understand to help us visualize the scene better.
ReplyDeleteI love this idea. I would read on to see what the creatures are.
ReplyDeleteThis is fun, but I think you've started the story a few paragraphs too late. Perhaps start when she walks in the door and give a sense of where she is, then have her spot the open cage or the murinda.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I want to know more about this world and those little creatures.
ReplyDeleteMy one concern is your main character. Like Barbara said, she seems older than 12. You say "she glanced around her lab." If it's her lab (and not the school lab), then I'm assuming she's a grown-up. I don't think I've read any MG books that didn't have a kid protagonist. But maybe in your world, kids have their own labs (cool!).
Good luck!
Cute, fluffy creatures? I'm in. And I bet Middle Grade readers would be, too.
ReplyDeleteI like this story and where it is going. For some reason, #157 appeals. :-) BUT this sounds and feels so much older than middle grade, more YA. Something to think about.
ReplyDeleteI think patesden has the right suggestion. So much to process all at once, we need a little bit more world-building from the beginning. Having her come into the lab and notice that something is wrong might give you more space to show us where she is.
ReplyDeleteI would read on at this point to find out more. Your world building is done well in the sense that it is too in your face. However I'd like to start knowing more about where they are etc, but for the first 250 words, it was well done.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah. I'm ready to read on. Are we talking Tribbles? :-)
ReplyDeleteLove the messy scientist - complete with catastrophes.