TITLE: Like Molasses in Kapuskasing
GENRE: Young Adult
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a teenage girl in possession of a summer off must be in want of a camp, at which she can learn to sucketh at a new skill.
Yeah right, I thought as I tossed Pride and Prejudice on the backseat. I switched on my iPod and closed my eyes. This year would be no different. New camp, new people, new way for me to disappoint my parents; I knew the drill.
We drove for twenty-one songs before Mom’s car came to a slow, crunching stop. And by crunching, I mean on gravel, not into a parked car. She hasn’t done that in weeks. Well, as far as I know.
I peeled my face off the passenger window then pressed my palms together in front of my face. I squeezed my eyes tight. I was about to see my home for the next three weeks and needed all the help I could get.
Bram, (That’s what I call G.O.D. on account of the fact that I don’t believe in the actual G.O.D. but do believe in the greatness of Mr. Bram Stoker, the best writer who ever lived.) Please let this be a cool summer camp, completely lacking in lameness as well as—if you don’t mind me asking—cheerleaders. Mom will kill me if I get another restraining order.
I lowered my hands to my lap then slowly raised the lid of my right eye. My lashes had barely parted when a high-pitched shrill forced my eyes wide open.
LOVE the MC's voice. Love love love! Opening lines were hilarious. I really think you captured the teen voice here. Would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteMy ONLY critique is that I feel there's too much "I" in the fourth paragraph and that some of those simple sentences can be combined for easier reading.
Otherwise...would definitely keep reading!
Definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteLoved the voice---especially the part about the cheerleaders and the restraining order. It made me smile.
Your first line is great too; it really pulled me into the story.
Good luck!
Love the voice and the humor -- especially the parked car bit and the restraining order. The opening line was great.
ReplyDeleteI was a little confused when she presses her palms together in front of her face. I couldn't tell if she was covering her face or putting her hands together away from it -- like in prayer.
I like the part where she's calling out to Bram -- but I didn't like the explanation in parentheses, and the periods after GOD confused me. I thought it was an acronym at first. Maybe dashes between the letters would work better.
Overall, I'm hooked!
I forgot to sign my name on the anonymous comment above. Sorry!
ReplyDeleteFun title, great voice. A few things felt a bit awkward. Why is she peeling her face off the window after a slow crunching stop? The eye-opening paragraph feels unrealistically slowed down. Overall, needs some fine-tuning and streamlining but has potential. I want to read on and find out more about this quirky character!
ReplyDeleteGreat opening line. Enjoyed the voice and humor, and quick rhythm to the reading. Like the reference to mom's bad driving and the restraining order. I like the MC already and want to read more!
ReplyDeleteI liked the humor in the voice and the whole MC against the cheerleaders is a fav of mine, could relate.
ReplyDeleteSome exaggerations, but having three teens under my belt , 2 being girls, they're all about the exaggerations.
I would read more.
-a
Solid voice, direct and to the point, and fun to boot!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I didn't think worked was the parenthetical remark - calling God Bram because she doesn't believe in God. It doesn't really make sense. If she doesn't believe in Him, would she be speaking to Him in any context? I thing you need the explanation of her regard from Bram Stoker, but I don't think the way you've done it works.
A minor nit. I want to see how camp turns out and where the vampires will come in. (even if they only turn out to be metaphorical vampires.)
Great voice. Great humor. You're almost there!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to read further--Sounds like an intriguing summer. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence threw me. Something about it seemed off. But after that it was great. I'm hooked. I love the voice, and I loved the G.O.D. part. Too funny!
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it!
I love this! The first line cracked me up, and I was ready to follow this MC anywhere. I also love that we already know quite a few things about her just from this tiny little piece. Great job! I'd love to read more!
ReplyDeleteThis was really funny, but I have seen so many variations of the first line that it kind of turned me off at first. There's enough other interesting points that I'd keep reading, but the opening made me groan a bit.
ReplyDeleteI really like this as well. You've got a great voice and some funny things in here. I don't know if someone has already pointed this out, but I'd get rid of the first comma you have in the first paragraph. I bumped over it, and it's not in P&P. ;) I'd definitely read on!
ReplyDelete