TITLE: Unveiled
GENRE: YA Paranormal
The human next to me didn’t notice my pause at the door as I hesitated, preparing myself. Walking through the hallway these days was like heading into battle. And it was all Mindy Monahan’s fault. The bane of my existence in this realm.
“Reagan? You okay?”
I smiled down at my best friend, Bronte Adair. “Yeah, just distracted.”
Then I heard it. That piercing hyena laugh. I nudged Bronte and jerked my head in the direction of the head hyena and her pack.
Bronte stood on tiptoes, trying to spot the terror of our school years. She gave up, muttering, “Sucks to be short. Want to go the other way?” she offered.
“Generous offer but no. I refuse to be intimidated by an airhead who doesn’t know her a** from her elbow.”
I glanced across the hall at Mindy, holding court by the water fountain. Flipping her hair, she said something that made the three Mindy-clones titter. She was the girl who’d gone out of her way to make my life miserable since I’d moved here.
“Reagan, you know she was just trying to get a rise out of you by calling you a witch, right?” Bronte glanced at me.
I rolled my eyes. A witch? Pfft. Witches were human and didn’t usually have much power. I was Fae. We were in tune with nature and the elements, able to heal at amazing rates, and powerful in ways witches could only dream of. I’d totally kick a witch’s butt.
Nice voice. I'm a little thrown off not knowing the basics about my scenario. Is the MC the only fae at this school? Is her best friend human, and if so, why does she go to this human school? I want just a tiny bit more info to ground me in the moment. The last paragraph is terrific; I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning was confusing to me as well. By the end, I was interested. Not sure why the ** in place of the swear word--just for the blog, I hope?
ReplyDeleteI also really like the last paragraph. I was a little confused elsewhere, though. I pictured her stopping in a doorway entrance, looking into somewhere, so later on I was unclear about where Mindy was in relation to the narrator.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it starts out with the mc mentioning "the human next to me" and then talking to "my best friend, Bronte." Is Bronte the human next to her? If so, the first mention seems awkward and unnatural.
Interesting start, though!
I love the last paragraph. Can you put it up higher? It really gets the voice going in my head.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on.
I loved the last sentence. If the rest of the story is filled with humor like that, I'd read on.
ReplyDelete-a
I'm not confused at all, just curious. I'm asking all kinds of juicy questions, the whats, whys, and hows are how you hook the reader, and you've got me. I would LOVE to read more of Unveiled (nice title too).
ReplyDeleteI remember (and liked) this one from Drop the Needle. I can see that you've worked on the opening and I emphasize. I can't tell you how many times I've rewritten mine-seriously, I've lost count.
ReplyDeleteI think I agree with the others that the real hook and voice comes in the last para though I like Bronte, she's not the MC.
Other than that, I don't know what to add- the writing is good, the premise is too. Keep at it.
The last parg. definitely clears things up and makes it interesting. What comes before it is confusing.
ReplyDelete"The human next to me" had me wondering what the MC was, since she obviously wasn't human, then you mentioned the hyena and her pack and I thought it was a shapeshifting story and they might actually be hyenas. Perhaps find a way to get the fae parg closer to the beginning. That's the one that worls!
I'm paranormaled out. I just couldn't get into it with all the vampire and witch stories out there. I've no doubt you are a gifted writer though.
ReplyDeleteI'm completely hooked by the last line. The beginning is a little muddy because I'm not sure what's happening yet. As I tried to ground myself in the story, I had to keep rereading. I'm assuming that the story straightens itself out in the next page or two, though! Good job!
ReplyDeleteUm, totally hooked by the last paragraph. I liked the MC's voice from the beginning, though. I think teens will resonate with her feelings toward the "mean girl". Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice in this story and would definitely read more. The only part that was a bit confusing was the beginning stating about "the human next to me." I would take it that Reagan's referring to Bronte? Like the others said, the last paragraph's a winner. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI stumbled through the first paragraph, then couldn't settle down into the rest of this. I found myself wondering what and where Reagan was. In hindsight, I realize that this must be a high school (I wished mine had had fountains). But I just wasn't grounded enough in the characters or setting to be hooked, although your writing is pretty clean.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the popular girls being mean; it's been done before. That said, I am curious enough to want to know more. A fae in high school? How does that work out? I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and interesting premise--I'd definitely read on. The only thing that confused me was Mindy and the hyena laugh. Was the hyena thing a metaphor? I'd just be careful, because this is paranormal, and as a reader I wasn't sure. Also, I would erase, 'she offered' from paragraph five. It threw me a little, and I didn't think you needed it because of the follow-up line.
ReplyDeleteOverall, great first page!