TITLE: Mirrorpass
GENRE: YA SF
Once, a long time ago, Aria had dreamed the sky would catch her if she fell. She imagined that if she released her hold on the world, it would wrap her in a sun-streaked embrace, and she’d be saved.
Eleven years of Academic training and a series of tragedies later, Aria no longer held such beliefs. She knew exactly what would happen if she fell near the Pass. The sky would drop her like a careless promise. The Pass would reach to entangle her wings in electrical currents. The stars would sing, and the Pass would swallow her whole.
Which is why she had no intention of falling.
Aria clung to the back-boarding rail of the shuttle as it labored away from the Pass, pointedly ignoring the silver flickerings far beneath her feet and focusing on her crewmates instead. There were six of them. Six winged silhouettes flying in the shuttle’s wake—three of her girls, and three of Katka’s guys—their wings flashing as they performed erratic climbs, daring plunges, flirtatious arabesques. The training mission was a success. Why shouldn’t they celebrate? Aria would have herself, if she wasn’t bunk leader, and if the Pass wasn’t leering at her every way she turned.
Still, Aria let her bunkmates show off a moment longer. Then she raised a wing strut for attention. Most of the girls pulled level with the shuttle, turning to face her.
“Stellar work everyone,” Aria vibed. Her crystal pulsed with each thought.
Beautiful writing, and this is an intriguing premise. I'm curious to see where this is going.
ReplyDeleteI love the voice in this. This line did trip me up a bit and I had to read it a few times to try and figure out what you were trying to say
ReplyDelete"Aria would have herself, if she wasn’t bunk leader, and if the Pass wasn’t leering at her every way she turned."
I'd definitely keep reading to find out what happened next.
I don't read a lot of SF, but I would read this. There's a mystical lure. Winged creatures, the descriptive setting, it all paints an intriguing picture.
ReplyDeleteI've read this before somewhere...AW maybe? I still like it and would definitely keep reading. The world is very intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI admit, the first lines didn't quite pull me in, with the quasi-fairy tale once a long time ago, but that may be a matter of personal taste. Once the action picked up, I was on board. I like the variety of sentence lengths, and I don't see extraneous words; everything seems to add to the narrative. I am hooked!
ReplyDeleteI don't know where this is going, but I don't care. The writing is done so well, I'd trust that you'd take me somewhere interesting.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I'd suggest would be to cut the word 'Still' from the second last parg. It doesn't seem to fit the situation.
Loved - The sky would drop her like a careless promise.
Interesting premise and a couple of lovely turns of phrase. I particularly like your first sentence and 'The sky would drop her like a careless promise.'.
ReplyDeleteThe problem is, I'm a little lost. I'm not sure what the Pass is, and I don't know what kind of shuttle this is and why they seem to be flying behind it instead of sitting in it. So I can't quite picture the scene. And while I know they're some kind of winged creatures, I don't know what kind, so I can't picture them either.
The phrase 'a series of tragedies later' also felt a little clunky. Maybe just say accidents instead of tragedies? Otherwise I want to know what they all were.
But the prose and the flow of the writing - seguing from her thoughts into the action with 'Which is why she had no intention of falling.' is good, as is the variety in paragraph length.
I'd read on, but I'd be even more eager to do so if I had a better idea what was going on.
I'm not sure how this is scifi, not fantasy, but your writing is quite lyrical. It might work better if you started with the fourth paragraph and weaved in the interior thoughts. It's intriguing. I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteEveryone, just wanted to thank you for all the thoughtful comments! It's been very helpful to hear what did and didn't work for you all. A few of you pointed out some sticky spots, so I will be looking at those, too.
ReplyDeleteAgain, thanks all!
-Mandy
Lovely writing; very nice turns of phrase. The first three paragraphs really pulled me in, but then I felt lost once I got to the fourth paragraph. I wasn’t sure if they’re supposed to be angels or teens with flying wings of some sort. I assume, since it’s SF not paranormal, that it’s the latter, but I think that you could give us a bit more context in this paragraph. The last line, “Her crystal throbbed with every thought” made me even more confused. I might want to read on, though, due to the writing.
ReplyDelete