TITLE: Destiny's Trial
GENRE: Fantasy Romance
“I won’t allow you to ruin this opportunity for me. You’ve already had your Cinuint journey. You’re being completely selfish by trying to ruin mine. If Myrna found out you were here…” She let her words trail off, took a deep, calming breath. “You know I have to do this alone.”
The owl shrugged out its feathers, obviously dissatisfied with its Mistresses unhappiness.
Renark thumbed toward Domnu. “What about him? You can’t expect me to just leave you with this dog.”
“Don’t be absurd. I’m not in his hands anymore than I’m in yours.” Her silver orbs shifted in Domnu’s direction. “He can be on his merry way as well.” She formed her perfect pink lips into a placating smile. “While I appreciate your attempted chivalry, Sir.”
“Domnu,” he offered. “Name’s Domnu.”
Red showed no sign she’d heard him. “I assure you I’m no damsel, and do not require any rescuing from you today.”
Domnu lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “Suit yourself, Red.” He cast a glance toward Renark. “Just as soon as I’m assured this gentleman does as you’ve asked him.”
Red’s eyes flashed silver fire. “Enough of this nonsense! I’ve no time for male machismo and posturing. If the two of you aren’t gone from my sight in the next sixty seconds, I’ll summon a snow tornado to take you both from it by force.”
I was confused. I wasn't sure who was who, or if the characters where people or animals. Is Renark on owl and Domnu a dog, or is Renark just calling him a dog as an insult? Domnu does shrug toward the end, so he could be a man. And is the owl just an owl and Renark is a person, too?
ReplyDeleteI'm sure I'd know all this if I started from the beginning, but it was confusing to me as is.
Also, 'her silver orbs shifted' might be changed or eliminated. I would assume at this point that we already know what color her eyes are, so why not just say eyes? Or you could eliminate it all together since her eyes are flashing silver in the last parg.
I agree that having a line or two of context would have helped me follow this a little better.
ReplyDeleteI like the haughty tone of Red through most of it (though the trailing words in the first paragraph don't really seem to fit).
I liked the line I assure you I'm no damsel and do not require any rescuing from you today, but I think it could be a little tighter - maybe just by taking off the "from you today."
The section with the "silver orbs" was the part that worked least for me. I just found myself kind of stumbling through it a little.
Just a note - after Red says she doesn't need rescuing it seems more likely that it would be Renark speaking rather than Domnu since she just completely ignored Domnu's existence and is speaking to Renark.
The last section of speech was the strongest part for me.
Agree with the above posts, it was hard to follow, but that may be because we're dropped into the middle. The beats and dialog tags were well-crafted -- they didn't interrupt the flow but gave an image of what was going on (just not who was speaking).
ReplyDeleteLose one of the "ruin"s in the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteMake it Mistress'.
"thumbed"? And I have no idea where the emphasis is in the next sentence.
If Red's replying to Domnu, then she heard him.
Take out "male machismo" and make it just "posturing."
Making from "it" refer to "my sight" is vague and weak.