TITLE: Where There Is Dark
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Devastated by her father's murder, Jazzlyn hunts down the rebels she holds responsible for his death, but when the same group takes her boyfriend hostage, she must serve those she planned to destroy or risk letting another person she loves die.
I raise an eyebrow and point at Tristan—gaged, restrained, and lying in the dirt. "Really? Then how do you explain that?"
"I said we’re not here to hurt you. His fate rests on your shoulders, not mine."
The threat twists my stomach into knots. She wants something from me. The question is what, and how far will she go to get it?
“Do you know who we are, Jazzlyn?” She draws out each syllable of my name in a breathy hiss as she snakes her way behind me.
“Of course I do.”
From over my shoulder, so close I feel her breath on my neck, she says," And what do you think you know?"
I turn on my heel and stare straight into her eyes, which are a deceivingly warm shade of brown. “That you’re cowards. You steal our food and supplies, and you…” kill anyone who gets in your way.
“And we need your help,” she says, as if finishing my sentence.
I suck in a deep breath, trying to control the impulse to clamp my hands around her throat and squeeze until her eyes glaze over. "I’ll die before helping you."
Anger flares in her eyes and they darken to black. "If death is what it takes to convince you, so be it.” She turns to Rrok . "Maybe you can convince Jazzlyn that I don’t make empty threats."
I thought this was a great entry. Here is my only thing:
ReplyDeleteI turn on my heel and stare straight into her eyes, which are a deceivingly warm shade of brown. “That you’re cowards. You steal our food and supplies, and you…” kill anyone who gets in your way.
Maybe stop at and.....
Since the next bit of dialogue that the other character supplies picks up with the and.
Really awesome though!
I agree with previous comment. Great entry!
ReplyDeleteMy only critique would be I thought the line "I'll die before helping you" read a tad melodramatic.
Perhaps a more scornful "I'd die before helping you"?
This made me want to read more.
I really liked this! The only thing I noticed was a spelling issue, that I think you mean "gagged" not "gaged." The pacing is good.
ReplyDeletemy only comment is purely personal: I would like to see more vulnerability from Jazzlyn. I wasn't convinced that her boyfriend was important to her, although it probbaly makes sense in context.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I found Jazzlyn's constant comments on her physical reactions to her situation distracting. Focus more on her emotional reactions.
This is fantastic. Especially the line "She draws out each syllable of my name in a breathy hiss as she snakes her way behind me." More writers need to use figurative language in a confident way, so long as it's not overdone.
ReplyDeleteThis is sooo hooky!!! I'd suggest dropping the "as if finishing my sentence" because I don't think you really need it. It flows on well from "kill anyone who gets in your way" whether we realize she's finishing her sentence or not.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was great!!
A very good job-you both give the characters feelings and tell us what's happening. A few notes:
ReplyDelete"draws out each syllable" makes Jazzlyn sound like a longer name, which I don't think it is. However, I wouldn't like "both syllables" either.
The "what do you think you know" is a little cliche.
"If it takes (a) death to convince you" might be a bit less clunky and less passive voice-y.