TITLE: RAVEN'S WING
GENRE: YA fantasy
A teenaged girl whose birth was delegitimized by corrupt powers-that-be has just forcibly been given fake sterilization scars. She argues with one of the other rebels. Ursing is a city. An "alloyint" is a noble bastard.
Rusty sounded like he was speaking to a child. “We’ll go tomorrow. You should be feeling better by then.”
“That is very kind of you.” If I could have hung icicles on my words, I would have.
“Veldt, you know I didn't have any real choice. I had to bring you here.”
I snorted. “You lied to me.”
“This is the only way you can ever go into Ursing. A brown-eyed girl without the protection of her family is either a renegade noble or a bastard.”
I snapped back, “Yes, now I can wear a harmon-kish.” I bit my lip to keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. The garment was designed to display the scars on an alloyint woman’s belly so all would know she would never bear children.
Rusty’s voice roughened. “Don’t be a fool. It’s not like you can go back to your old life.”
“You could have warned me.”
“And would you have come willingly? Or would you have fought and drawn attention to yourself?”
“I don’t care. It’s just wrong. You shouldn’t have done this to me!”
Rusty beat his knee with a fist. “What do you think would have happened if Borgi hadn’t rescued you? You would have ended up in a house like this. Here, men have dreams of ravishing girls such as you – so they can feel, for one moment, that they are getting back at the tyrants who oppress them.”
Just a couple things that stood out to me.
ReplyDelete“That is very kind of you.” If I could have hung icicles on my words, I would have.
Really like the icicle imagery, but as a professional generator of sarcastic retorts, I would suggest the italicized emphasis be on "very." :-)
“This is the only way you can ever go into Ursing. A brown-eyed girl without the protection of her family is either a renegade noble or a bastard.”
Is this something the girl would have already known? If so, I would find another way to include this exposition. If not, disregard this comment.
“And would you have come willingly? Or would you have fought and drawn attention to yourself?”
“I don’t care. It’s just wrong. You shouldn’t have done this to me!”
Given that she's crying and it's implied she's lost her entire way of life, I'm assuming these fake scars are a really big deal ;-). Given that, her reaction here seems a little tame.
"You shouldn't have done this" is a scolding a parent gives an unruly child. People who are furious or devastated over an invasion of their body would either be incapable of responding or would resort to much harsher language - insults, name-calling, or accusations.
The point is to hurt the other person as much as they've hurt you, only with words. If she knows Rusty well, it would get even more personal, to really cut him to the quick.
I wonder if she knew the scars were fake, so is she upset about the 'fake scars' or that she thinks she may really have been sterilized? That may be irrelevant at this point, but it would tell a lot about the character. I want her to say something more conversational and upset, like, "How could you?" instead of "You shouldn't have done this to me." Several telling things in this segment. Decide which ones you really need and eliminate the things you don't. Very good, and I want to read MORE! Love the harmon-kish---great concept.
ReplyDeleteI agree with AM Perkins. If you put the stress on 'very' you don't even need the explanation of hanging icicles on her words. It will come through without the explanation.
ReplyDeleteI'd also suggest you make evident what the harmon-kish is before this. You're in a tense scene here, and it all stops so you can explain what the harmon-kish is. And she already knows what it is, so we're taking a commercial break here so you can explain it to the reader. Somewhere before this scene, let her see someone wearing the harmon-kish and make evident there what it is and why it's worn, that way you don't have interrupt this scene and kill the momentum you are building.
I'd also suggest adding a line or two of her looking at the scar and commentig on it, to herself or someone else. She's focusing on what Rusty did. Perhaps let her also think a bit about how the scar will affect her.
I agree with Donna: The harmon-kish is a fabulous concept.
ReplyDeleteThere's too much exposition-disguised-as-dialog here. Usually that's a good way to bury exposition, but here it's not buried but simply spoken aloud. The paragraph starting "Rusty beat his knee..." brought me up short and changed my mood from "Wow, I really want to read this" to "Uh, oh, it might be a slog." The image behind this paragraph is strong, but it needs and deserves to come out in true dialog, with motivation and reactions, not in a dump.
Don't know if you all are going to come back and read this, but THANK YOU! I posted this excerpt because I wasn't happy with the scene, and you all did what I'd hoped - crystallized the problems for me.
ReplyDeleteAgree with the others on the exposition disguised as dialog. Loved the opening and the harmon-kish concept, but felt the momentum stalled when you explained it. Perhaps you could reframe the explanation by casting it as the MC touching her belly and/or thinking about touching it and the scars while wearing a harmon-kish.
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested in general to see more interaction between the MC's thoughts and her body -- she's had this incredibly violating thing done to her but her objections read as almost more intellectual than emotional here.
Icicles phrasing works fine for me.
The momentum/tension toward the upcoming trip to Ursing is good -- even as they argue it's clear the MC won't be able to dwell on her inner pain (and perhaps actual pain) and anger for long and will have to put on a united front with Rusty. (That's the way I read it, anyway).
Toward the end, not sure what a house like this means -- like the place she's had the surgery performed? Do you explain this prior to this excerpt? If not, it's a little confusing. Also, the men who have dreams of ravishing girls -- I'm guessing you're going for a vaguely archaic voice, but when I read the word ravishing I groan. It connotes either a poor rape euphemism or Harlequin romance :)
Hope this helps! And thanks for commenting on my entry!
Brigid
ReplyDelete“That is very kind of you.” If I could have hung icicles on my words, I would have.
The hung icicles made me smile.
Snorting always makes me think of pigs. I never hear anyone in real life snort. Maybe some other action verb?
"You shouldn’t have done this to me!”
Maybe a brief word of what they did?
Rusty beat his knee with a fist. “What do you think would have happened if Borgi hadn’t rescued you? You would have ended up in a house like this. Here, men have dreams of ravishing girls such as you – so they can feel, for one moment, that they are getting back at the tyrants who oppress them.”
The above dialogue seems too long. Consider breaking it up with action or description.