Monday, January 28, 2013

Talkin' Heads #24

TITLE: Warder
GENRE: Contemporary Fantasy Romance

Mona's casual comment she has a boyfriend causes a bit of an uproar in the bar she works at; seems theres a running bet on it. When he walks in with a couple of other people, Mona doesn't let on to Jackie, her lesbian BF, he's there.

"If he's half as hot as that guy, you've done well."

"Are you sure you're not on my team?" Mona joked with her.

The three edged their way to the bar.

"Hey Babe, we too late for three lagers?" Cart asked. Silence spread out around him.

"You know Mona?" Mickey asked as he pulled the beers.

Cart tensed for a moment then looked around at the happy, grinning faces.

"I assume that's not a problem?" he asked as he picked up his beer stein.

"Depends on just how well you know her," Val said. Jackie done well with that one.

Cart looked at Mona. She grinned but did not move, didn't want any accusations of throwing the bet.

"Ah, how about fairly well, but not as well as I'm going to?"

His innuendo was not missed by anyone and Mona found herself blushing.

"Then I'll buy your beers," Jackie said, slapping a twenty on the bar. "You just made me a thousand bucks!"

Cart choked on the sip he'd taken.

"I made you a thousand bucks by saying I was Mona's boyfriend? Hell, what kind of bets do you guys make up here?"

Several people launched into explanations, only to be shouted down by those chanting 'Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!'


  1. I was a little confused by all the characters at first. But if this is at least a few chapters into the story, I doubt that would be a problem. I'm not into the bar scene much myself, but this seemed believable and funny.

  2. Overall, this had a fresh, light feel, and the idea that Mona's friends would bet a thousand dollars on her ability to get a boyfriend is pretty funny.

    A few things tripped me up:

    There are an awful lot of characters in this scene, but as Amelia said, if they've all been introduced before, that isn't necessarily a problem.

    Cart looks around at "the happy, grinning faces." I wasn't sure whether this referred to his friends or the people behind the bar. Also, the word "happy" is redundant in this sentence.

    "His innuendo was not missed by anyone" is telling. You could show this through the characters' reactions, e.g., Val shouts, Mickey slaps Mona on the back, Jackie stares at her open-mouthed, or something along those lines.

    Finally, I was curious about where this is set. I think of "lager" as a British term but the "thousand bucks" sounds American. And then you have a beer stein, so is it a German bar?

  3. I agree the number of characters was confusing at first, but as mentioned above this is probably an non-issue.

    I found it interesting that in a bar, which is typically noisy with music and background noises, that "Silence spread out around him." You could add more description here- maybe the silence of the people that surrounded Cart caused him to be deaf to the bar noise.

    I would also like to see more desciption of action: "I assume that's not a problem?" he asked as he picked up his beer stein and looked between the faces of the on lookers.

    The tag for Jackie's line "Then I'll buy your beers," is unnecessary - Jackie slaps a twenty on the bar. - works just fine here.

    Also the last line "only to be shouted down" - "drowned out" might work better here.

    Just like Cart, I am interested to know what kind of bets these people make. Good job.

  4. Like everyone else, the number of characters confused me. So, I read it twice. I would ditch the "Silence spread out around him." I would like to know why this bet is important.