TITLE: FUSE
GENRE: YA
As they wait for the Big Guy’s decision about their fate, Annalise and Richard are tempted by an offer to party. Will they break another rule and follow Stan, the janitor?
Stan’s sweeping speed increases, and within an instant, he’s standing next to us. “You guys look awful. Stressing isn't going to help your case with the Big Guy. Let’s ditch this place and go have some fun,” he says.
A smile spreads across Richard’s face, making his cheeks look even chubbier.
“No, we are not going.” I say.
“Come on, Annalise—just for a bit, ” Richard begs.
Stan leans against his broom handle, and his housekeeping shirt casts a red glow around him. I cross my arms in front of my chest. “No.”
“Maybe,” Richard says, “if we do something fun together, we’ll learn to like each other. Then, if he sends us back, fusing will be easy.”
Richard has a point. Never, during all of our lives, or deaths have we ever had fun together. “Stan, where is this place?”
“Forget directions, “ he says. "It’s the most amazing club. A band plays non-stop, and food covers every table. But, like I said before, you have to know someone to get inside.
“Please, Stan, take us. Please…” Richard screeches.
We could hang out with Stan for a hundred years, and return before anyone notices we're missing. But, if we get caught… “No,” I repeat. “We’re going to sit right here.”
Richard looks at Stan. Stan beckons him with his eyes. “Annalise, you can sit here and wait. I’m going with Stan. I’ll see you in a hundred years.” Richard says and trots over to Stan. “Let’s party!”
You use the word 'says' a lot. Try to find places where you can omit it completely or where it can be replace with something else: replies, asks, etc.
ReplyDeleteI like the description you give for Stan's actions but you don't descript Richard's or Annalise's actions as much.
I really like Stan, I find him interesting and would like to read more about.
This is a good exchange. It shows a bit of personality from each of them. The set up doesn't tell me much about the scene, so it's a little hard to get into, but it looks pretty good overall. Also, I would leave all the "say"s in place. You aleady have begs, screeches, and repeat, you don't want to have too many dialogue tags. "Say" keeps it simple.
ReplyDeleteI thought this worked. I know who your characters are and there was no confusion as to who was speaking.
ReplyDeleteI didn't even notice the 'says' so it would seem they are doing their job of staying invisible, at least to me.
I agree with those who don't have a problem with "says" -- it's invisible. If anything, I'd get rid of "screeches" or "begs," because those popped out at me.
ReplyDeleteAn alternative: "'Come on, Annalise—just for a bit,' Richard says, drawing out the last word in a wheedling way." (Not to say that's the way to go, but something like that creates a stronger mental picture than a single word like "beg" could manage.)
I liked this -- made me want to know the whole story.