Thursday, February 23, 2012

First Line Grabber #13

TITLE: The Alterae
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy

Emma hadn't slept in three days.

48 comments:

Milena said...

Yes, but only if the next sentence grabbed me. This one is fine in the sense that it doesn't put me off, but it didn't really hook me, either.

B.E. Sanderson said...

Yes, I'd read ahead to find out why she couldn't sleep, but I need to know more in the next few sentences.

Cheyenne Hill said...

No. There's no character or action here, so I'm afraid on it's own, this doesn't spark any interest for me.

Tyson said...

Yes.

I want to know why she hasn't slept.

Alessa Hinlo said...

Yes... but only because I'd expect the second sentence to explain why and grab me then. It doesn't put me off but it doesn't well on its own either.

Alice said...

Yes, why?

Melissa Hurst said...

Yes. I want to know why she hasn't slept in three days.

MarcyKate said...

Yes. It immediately makes me curious to know WHY she hasn't slept in that long.

Casey said...

Yes. I'd read the next sentence or two to see why but if that doesnt hook me this would turn into a no.

mfleming said...

Yes, it grabs me just enough to read on some more.

Nicole said...

Yes, although I'm on the fence. Your second sentence would need to be awfully grabby.

Loralie Hall said...

Yes. I want to know why not, and you haven't bogged me down with unnecessary details, so I'm going to keep reading to find out.

Jessica Negron said...

Yes.

This creates conflict right away. If she's exaggerating, I want to know why she's having trouble sleeping. If she literally hasn't slept in three days, I want to see the effects of that, since it's very dangerous.

Katherine Ernst said...

No. I'm on the fence here, though. I am curious why she hasn't slept, but I feel like the fact that she hasn't slept could be shown rather than told. Honestly it's hard to critique this without any more. If the next few sentences are great then this could be fine, but as it stands alone, it doesn't do it for me.

Amy said...

Yes.

Curious what happens to someone who hasn't slept for three days.

KimberlyFDR said...

No

I was debating on this. If the second sentence was strong, it could carry it, but on its own it felt like maybe she was exaggerating rather than literally being sleepless for 3 days. I'm intrigued, but could you show it rather than tell us?

Jean Davis said...

Yes. It opens up a good question, but the next line better hint as to the answer.

Rick said...

No. Strong sentence and I was on the fence, but I'd need more to be truly drawn in.

Liberty Speidel said...

No. I don't know why this is special. It could be completely normal for this person.

Erin said...

Yes. I'd read on only to find out why she hasn't slept. But it borders on maybe not for me. If the next sentence doesn't explain I probably wouldn't continue

GSMarlene said...

Yes, but that's a pretty tepid yes for an emotionless statement. The next sentence would have to be pretty good.

Julia said...

Yes. Simple and it makes me wonder about your character -- this is a good start!

A. K. Fotinos-Hoyer said...

Yes :) To find out what's keeping her from sleeping.

SMKrafty said...

Yes, but only barely. I need a little more reason- hopefully in the next sentence.

Kim said...

Yes. I would keep reading because I want to know why she hasn't slept.

Plumbago said...

Yes, but it's almost a no. I don't care yet about Emma and so I'm ready to be bored. However, she obviously has a problem so I'd read another sentence or two to find out more.

Jani said...

Yes.

Simply because I want to know why and that will keep me reading.

Heather said...

No.

Here's my problem with these kinds of starters: The story isn't about the fact that Emma hasn't slept in three days. The story is about either what has interrupted her sleep or what happens because she hasn't slept. The line needs at least a teaser of that to get me interested.

Tara said...

Yes. I'd read on a few more sentences to find out why.

Larissa said...

Yes. But only barely. It really depends on the next sentence.

Feaky Snucker said...

Yes. I've had insomnia, and it sucks. I'd want to know why she hadn't slept. I'd read on to see the next sentence - if it was something good, I'd keep going.

Patti said...

Yes, because I want to know why.

sarahwedgbrow said...

No. I don't care about Emma yet. I need to sympathize with her.

A.C. Turcotte said...

Yes. I want to know why she hasn't been able to sleep. I'd at least read long enough to see if the reason was interesting. If it was, I'd keep going from there.

JL Dannor said...

No. There are so many various reasons why a person may not have slept, that it's not enough to pull me in. I'm missing a sense of where this is going.

AG said...

YES-- I can't imagine how awful that must be, and why she's suffered this way.

Wen Baragrey said...

No. It just seems like a relatively easy problem to solve: lie down and go to sleep then. If we knew why she couldn't sleep it might work, though.

Ailsa said...

Yes. But, I'd hope that the next couple of sentences give an interesting or intriguing reason for the lack of sleep. It grabs me because obviously not sleeping that long is not normal, and I want to know why.

Shakier Anthem said...

No. Insomnia's such a common problem that this doesn't give me a strong sense of the character or the conflict.

Heidi said...

Yes, to finish the concept. Other interesting things need to happen quickly to make me keep reading.

Nata ArtistaDonna said...

No. I think more is needed to set the opening scene. Alot of us go days without sleeping ....I know I have. So what makes this characters story different? Adding a little more hook will turn this around.

macaronipants said...

No. Too many reasons she might not have slept that are not interesting. Insomnia, new baby, new job - I think you need more specificity in the first line - something that leaves the reader wanting the second line.

Stephsco said...

Yes. I think it could be stronger, but it wouldn't stop me from reading. Maybe something like, "Three sleepless nights left Emma feeling..."

A Little Push said...

No. I don't feel like I'm inside Emma's head (assuming she's your protagonist). Open showing Emma's fatigue, instead of telling us she hasn't slept in 3 days.

Traci Van Wagoner said...

Yes, mostly because it is a short sentence with enough of a hint at a problem to read on a bit. The next sentence will need to add more punch.

Abbe Hoggan said...

Yes.

It's borderline, but I'm interested enough in "why?" to keep reading. And I like that it's a simple, clean sentence. Makes me think I'll enjoy the writing, that I won't get bogged down in unnecessary dependent clauses or excessive description.

Jennifer said...

Yes.

There is enough here, a question of why?, that keeps me interested to find out more about this character.

danika said...

Yes, but tentative. It did make me want to know why, but it was a bit generic.