Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #11

TITLE: Talassio
GENRE: Adult Historical Fantasy

In 18th century England, Elisabeth and her family have disavowed their supernatural heritage, until the kidnapping of Elisabeth's sister draws them back into the dark society of their people and the vampires they create. Now Elisabeth must journey across Europe to rescue her sister . . . and risk becoming a greater monster than the one she faces.


  1. Nice- tighten to increase your impact.
    ...heritage, until Elisabeth's sister is kidnapped, drawing the family back into...

    I'd read it.

  2. This is great! A little wordy. Would it be possible to cut down on the sentence about "dark society of their people and the vampires they create." Instead use - the dark society, witches, etc. I'm sure you'll think of something better. Good luck!

  3. Sounds fab!
    I'm interested that it's 18th century. I always think of dracula and vampires in the nineteenth century.
    In your first sentence, I'd consider changing 'have disavowed' to 'disavow' just to avoid the passive voice.
    You could also say she risks becoming an 'even greater' monster just for even more punch.
    Intrigued by the title...

    Good luck.

  4. I agree with Kate about changing have disavowed to disavow. I also think that the end of the first sentence could be tightened up. 'dark society and the vampires they create' doesn't really explain anything to me. Vampires, monsters, what type of story is this? Are they real monsters or figurative ones? Sounds like a great story, I just need a few more details to pull me in.

  5. This sounds like an interesting story with a nice, Dracula-type feel to it. I believe the logline could be tightened to make it sharper and more grabby. Also, I'd love to know what obstacles she faces in her quest, and what she might do that would turn her into a monster. Something along these lines:

    When Elisabeth's sister is kidnapped, her family is drawn back into the supernatural world they left behind. Now, as Elisabeth journeys across Europe to rescue her sister she faces [something] and [something else]. If she [action], she may become a greater monster than the one she faces.

    I hope that helps. Good luck.

  6. This first line is not inciting a personal goal for Elisabeth (it sounds more like an annoyance for her whole family). One you establish they she needs to rescue her sister, tell us why this will be hard without being vague and make sure the stakes are both clear and balanced. If her sister's life is at stake, risking the possibility of becoming a monster sounds like an easy call. (And by the way, this is the only hinted mention of the monster she has to face and it needs to be way more obvious!)

    Good luck!