Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #27

TITLE: Cltr+Alt+Delete
GENRE: MG Light SciFi

Ten children in Johnson Bays have gone missing, only to turn up inside the online social media site FacePlace. Something went wrong, and the child responsible for using the top-secret government machine, the Polerizeroid, is inside with them. What they don't know yet, is they have less than 24 hours to escape, before they disintegrate into the stratosphere.


  1. I like this premise, but I was a little confused about the Polerizeroid. Is that what got the missing children into FacePlace? What was the child who used it hoping to gain?

  2. This one is very intriguing to me. However, it took me a few times reading it to understand it and I still have questions. Is the SMS FacePlace a physical location, too? Are they trapped inside of the online site or in another parallel world or what? I can't quite picture it. Love the title!

  3. I love the title.

    Perhaps it's just me, but I'm a little worried about the names you've chosen. FacePlace sounds a heck a of lot like FB, and I feel you could have gone farther and come up with something totally different. As for Polerizeroid, it's cute and I get it, but everytime I go to read it/say it, I get it wrong. Maybe that's just me.

    I'm also a little confused as to how they "turn up" online. Is this like Tron, where there's a whole universe in there? And how did a child manage to use a top-secret government machine? Perhaps just say something went wrong with a top-secret governemtn machine.

    Food for thought.

  4. This one stumped me. First, I don't read a lot of MG, so that might be part of the problem, but Polerizeroid has me struggling with pronounciation so I can't imagine my 9 year old could tackle it and she's an avid reader. I think this is missing some key details. Who is the main character? Is it the kid who used the machine that I can't pronounce?

    __________ (mc)used a top-secret govenment machine (how)and now ten Johnson Bay children are trapped inside the online social media site FacePlace and _______ is trapped along with them. ________ must find a way to escape before they disintegrate into the stratosphere.

    I get putting a ticking clock into the story, but if the no one in the story knows about it, then how do we know about it and doesn't that defeat the purpose of adding tension to the story if the characters are unaware of it?

    What went wrong? How did it go wrong? How did a child manage to use a top-secret gov't machine? Did the machine suck them into the into the social media site? It it a real physical location? How?

    Oh, and I agree about FacePlace feeling to close to Facebook.

    The title is great and I like the premise but I need more details.

  5. What if you simplified Polerizeroid to Polarizer?

    The premise sounds interesting, especially if you've created a unique digital world.

  6. Who is this book actually about? Do you have ten main characters or this actually about the one who causes the problem and who needs to fix it before it's too late? If the latter, you need to rewrite this about him. If it's all ten, you need to write them as if their group is a character and has a common goal and stakes.

    Good luck!

  7. At 58 words, this isn't that long, but it feels long because you have a lot of information you don't need. And some could be condensed and streamlined.

    Maybe something like this:

    (MC)'s dad told him not to touch the Polerizeroid, and now he knows why. He -- and ten other kids -- are stuck inside a website called FacePlace. If they can't escape in twenty-four hours, they'll disintegrate into the stratosphere.

    Mostly the same information, just rearranged. (Obviously, I added the bit about his dad. You can personalize it in the way that actually matches the plot.)

    Good luck. Sounds like a fun story.

  8. This sounds interesting but your logline is too distant and abstract. I strongly agree that you need to focus on one character--I'm assuming 'the child responsible' would be that character--giving their name and describing the conflict and goal from their perspective.

    And for some reason I first read the name of the machine as 'Polerizoid'--and I think I like it better that way. 'Polerizeroid' is quite a mouthful!