TITLE: Sky-eyes
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Born with the sky-eye curse, Sora runs away to escape certain death. Setting out on an island hopping, pirate fighting, high flying quest to reverse the curse she realizes that just because you're cursed doesn't mean you're doomed.
This sounds like it could be a really cool story but I think you are being too vague in your pitch.
ReplyDeleteWhat is it about the curse that dooms her to death?
The second line sounds more like a theme than a pitch. I'd spin it around a bit and also include what is that she thinks she needs to do to conquer the curse.
Something like Setting out to break the curse, she hops between island fighting pirates to do X (X being how she thinks she needs to break the curse)
I understand that you may not want to give too much away, but "sky-eye curse" is a little vague for me too. Is it just that she has blue eyes, or does she see visions or can see far away...or what? Why does that mean her death? Can she see her own death? Do others want to kill/entrap her for it? I like what Jamie suggested for the action bit of the logline.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck...sounds like a fun tale!
Yeah i'd also like more specifics, because right now it just sounds like "a girl is cursed, but has a fun adventure trying to stop it". There's not much tension or conflict
ReplyDeleteI agree. This pitch is too vague. The title is intriguing. I'd need more, think opening conflict, the obstacle and the quest (thanks to Nathan Bradford for this). Here's his idea: When OPENING CONFLICT happens to MAIN CHARACTER(S), he/she/they have to OVERCOME CONFLICT in order to COMPLETE QUEST.
ReplyDeleteYeah, a little on the vague side. At the very least I think "sky-eye curse" nees to be defined. Also, the word curse shows up three times and feels repetitive. Maybe find a way to drop the middle occurrence? Love the last line though, i.e. "she realizes that just because you're cursed doesn't mean you're doomed."
ReplyDeleteLoglines for fantasy are always tough but you really need to define or explain "sky-eye" curse or we won't understand what this means or why she needs to escape it. Also, if she is born with it, then what incites her to leave NOW? And where is she going? Escaping is kind of a vague goal. Finally, the last part of this is too vague. What happens to make this plot over? It's rarely just a realization (that is usually the end of the inner arc, not the outer one).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I wish I had more to add, but Holly is spot on. We absolutely need to know what sky-eyes are. Good luck!
ReplyDelete