When disheartened Elaine Svoboda loses her job and her boyfriend, she flees for refuge to a small Colorado mountain town, where she dares a raging forest fire to reach the rugged mayor and romance.
You have a good beginning. But you don't need to squash this into one sentence. I need to know more about this rugged mayor and his inexorable attraction.
I'm confused. How does she dare the forest fire? Why does she need to reach the mayor? What happens if the fire wins or she doesn't reach the mayor? It's a good start but I need more information about why she is doing what she is doing and what happens if she fails.
Yeah i was following along fine until suddenly there's a rugged mayor and romance. I would develop this a little more, use another sentence to really ground us on what's going on
I'm confused as to what daring the forest fire, the mayor and the romance have to do with each other. Although I presume the mayor is the romantic interest, I would also like to see a little more.
I think it's the end that is causing the confusion. You have room to expand here, I think ending at mountain town and adding a new sentence in place of what follows with more concrete details will help. I assume she and the mayor are at odds, and fighting the fire must be something she does in order to save him or prove something to him (or to herself). I would focus on the main conflict of your story and tell us what that is. What does Elaine need to overcome and how will she do this?
I don't need to know that she's disheartened - or that she's lost her job and boyfriend. You can just say she looks for refuge (that says that rest) and that she gets stuck in a forest fire. More on the rugged mayor and the romance! That's the good stuff!
To me the setup feels somewhat generic (i.e., woman loses job and boyfriend and moves), and I'm confused on the goals of the MC. Also, the raging fire bit sounds more like one incident within the story rather than the main thrust (or does she really go to this town for the sole purpose of daring the raging fire?).
Thanks to all who commented. I keep trying to follow "rules" for log lines and, as usual, have learned (now) to focus on what I'm trying to convey and achieve.
This is a summary of what she does and we need to know what she wants and why she wants it. Does getting dumped make her decide she must marry this mayor even if it means fighting a forest fire? If so, why?
You have a good beginning. But you don't need to squash this into one sentence. I need to know more about this rugged mayor and his inexorable attraction.
ReplyDeleteI'm confused. How does she dare the forest fire? Why does she need to reach the mayor? What happens if the fire wins or she doesn't reach the mayor? It's a good start but I need more information about why she is doing what she is doing and what happens if she fails.
ReplyDeleteYeah i was following along fine until suddenly there's a rugged mayor and romance. I would develop this a little more, use another sentence to really ground us on what's going on
ReplyDeleteI'm confused as to what daring the forest fire, the mayor and the romance have to do with each other. Although I presume the mayor is the romantic interest, I would also like to see a little more.
ReplyDeleteI think it's the end that is causing the confusion. You have room to expand here, I think ending at mountain town and adding a new sentence in place of what follows with more concrete details will help. I assume she and the mayor are at odds, and fighting the fire must be something she does in order to save him or prove something to him (or to herself). I would focus on the main conflict of your story and tell us what that is. What does Elaine need to overcome and how will she do this?
ReplyDeleteI don't need to know that she's disheartened - or that she's lost her job and boyfriend. You can just say she looks for refuge (that says that rest) and that she gets stuck in a forest fire. More on the rugged mayor and the romance! That's the good stuff!
ReplyDeleteTo me the setup feels somewhat generic (i.e., woman loses job and boyfriend and moves), and I'm confused on the goals of the MC. Also, the raging fire bit sounds more like one incident within the story rather than the main thrust (or does she really go to this town for the sole purpose of daring the raging fire?).
ReplyDeleteThanks to all who commented. I keep trying to follow "rules" for log lines and, as usual, have learned (now) to focus on what I'm trying to convey and achieve.
ReplyDeleteThis is a summary of what she does and we need to know what she wants and why she wants it. Does getting dumped make her decide she must marry this mayor even if it means fighting a forest fire? If so, why?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly