Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #23

GENRE: YA Magical Realism

Sixteen-year-old Elisabeth wants nothing to do with her father's quest to find the ancient Lost Princes: he's digging up the castle that was her mother's home. But when Elisabeth finds Richard of York, Lost Prince of England, bewitched to live in endless night deep beneath the castle, a love-is-blind romance ignites, and suddenly, the quest is all. Now Elisabeth must rescue Richard before she leads her father right to him, or she'll have to leave him in darkness forever -- because not everything that's lost wants to be found.


  1. I think I understand the idea here, but the logline needs to be tightened up. The first sentence can be more succinct - "Sixteen-year-old Elizabeth hates watching her father dig up her mother's castle in an attempt to find the ancient lost princes." That's not great, but shortening it like that would help. I also think you can take out "love-is-blind" as it's enough for us to know it's a romance.

    One thing that confused me was why Elisabeth can't lead her father to Richard - isn't her father trying to save the lost princes?

    Overall good start - I think with some tightening and clarity you'll have a strong logline here.

  2. You lost me when you got to the stakes. Her dad was trying to find these guys (was it supposed to Lost Prince, or is there more than one?), and when she finds one, she can't share? Why? Is her dad doing something sinister? Will the Prince kill her dad?

  3. Intriguing, but...

    If she wants nothing to do with her father's digging, how does she find the Lost Prince?

    Her dead mother's home? Or is her mother still alive?

    What does she like about Richard? Maybe a hint here?

    Be clearer in the last phrase. Do you mean Richard doesn't want to be found or do you mean something else?

  4. I agree about tightening things up. I think leaving out some of the extraneous details and clarifying some of the important points will make this work so much better.
    Is her mother dead? How does she find Richard if she wants nothing to do with father's quest and why can't her father find out? What does her father plan to do with princes? Who bewitched the prince(s) and who doesn't want to be found? What are the stakes? What does she need to do to save the prince, who is trying to stop her, and what will happen if she fails?

    Sixteen-year-old Elisabeth's father is on a quest to find the ancient Lost Prince, and she wants no part of digging up her mother's home, but when she finds Richard of York, Lost Prince of England (how), she falls in love. Elisabeth must do x to save him before x happens or she'll lose him the the darkness forever.

    Hope this helps. The premise is intriguing but I need more details.

  5. I'm also confused. Richard of York is one of the princes her father was searching for, right? The way it's worded now sounds like he's somehow separate from that. It would be clearer to say that she finds (meets?) Richard of York, one of the lost princes.

    As others have asked, why can't her father find him? And why is leaving him in darkness the consequence of leading her father to him? This is the writer's problem of being too familiar with your own story. It's easy to forget that the reader doesn't understand everything you do. Try being as clear and specific as you can.

  6. The first 2 lines are good but they need to be combined and trimmed a little. Also, the goal needs to be clarified. Are you saying that she now wants to help her father find the princes even though she has already found the one she wants and doesn't want her father to find him too? I think her goal is probably not this quest but helping Richard escape which means you need to reword a little.

    Finally, "rescue" could be a bit more specific and this cliche ending is telling us nothing. In fact, it doesn't make sense as it sounds like she needs to rescue Richard because he doesn't want to be found?

    Good luck!