Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #14

TITLE: Dreamwalking Under the Bloodmoon Sky
GENRE: YA Fantasy

With veins barren of her family’s magic and a looming marriage to a man she doesn’t love, sixteen year old Rose bargains and blackmails her way to freedom—only to find herself lost in a kingdom blanketed by a curse. Rose must save her sleeping kingdom from the slaughter of an invading army despite her lack of magic.


  1. This really works for me. Detailed enough to get me interested, consise enough not to lose me in words.

    I love the concept of the only one barren of magic being the one to save the kingdom. Great premise.

  2. overall this works for me, but i had to read the opening twice to understand it.

    With veins barren just sounds like it's trying too hard to say someone was born magicless. I think if you reword that, the logline would function well

  3. I like your pitch and I love your title. I wouldn't change the opening because it's intriguing. Just my opinion. I'd read this.

  4. Really interested by the overall premise of a non-magic user trying to save a kingdom from a magic curse.

    Took me two or three tries to decipher "veins barren of her family’s magic."

    Also, nothing in the first line really suggests to me that she isn't free, just that she's non-magical and about to marry. Where does lack of freedom fit in?

  5. I like this very much. I would only suggest that the very last line say "without the help of magic." It reads more smoothly.

  6. The first part of this is rather awkward and isn't exactly inciting a goal. It's inciting her escape but it sounds like that escape is what incites her goal (to save her kingdom...although you say she is lost in a kingdom but must save her kingdom so I'm not actually sure if these are the same place). Either way, you need to tell us why SHE must save them,why it will be hard without magic and what it means to her if she loses.

    Good luck!

  7. I assume the curse is that they’re all sleeping, correct? If so, maybe specify that the first time you mention the curse. I’m also wanting to trim this down a bit, staring with the dash. Maybe something like this:

    …bargains and blackmails her way to freedom – just as her kingdom falls prey to a sleeping curse. Without magic, Rose must save her kingdom from an invading army by….?

    (I assume the army will slaughter; that’s what armies do.) A few words at the end to say what she needs to do to accomplish her goal would pump up the conflict.