TITLE: The Cause
GENRE: Dystopian Suspense
When African American hacker Isse Corvus enters a black-ops training camp, he discovers the leaders are revolutionaries seeking to return the U.S. back to its Constitutional roots. Believed to be an assassin, he is untrusted, yet when he warms to their ideology, he learns that if he doesn’t join The Cause and help them hack the NSA’s servers with his intimate knowledge of Rose (a security program he wrote), it could mean his life.
This worked for me. But I don't think you need to name the security program.
ReplyDelete"and help them hack the NSA’s servers with his intimate knowledge of [the] security program he wrote"
I agree that ROSE doesn't seem necessary.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I got tripped up on the line where the believed the Hacker was an Assassin. Is that detail necessary to the log line?
I think it works without it. Just straight to "if he doesn’t join The Cause and help them hack the NSA’s servers, it could mean his life."
Just a thought
Overall I think this works pretty well. I would be tempted to cut extra detail though. For example:
ReplyDelete"When a hacker enters a black-ops training camp and discovers the leaders are revolutionaries seeking to return the U.S. back to its Constitutional roots, he learns that if he doesn’t help them hack the NSA’s servers, it could mean his life."
Or something similar (that may be too much cutting). The main point being that while all of those details are interesting, are they needed for the logline?
I don't think more mundane physical descriptions and/or names mean as much in a logline unless they're somehow unique and stand out to the reader (e.g. "a hacker with a peg-leg").
Hmm. I liked this and I don't usually go for dystopian stuff. I'd read it. I'm a little confused about why he entered the training camp to begin with, though, if he's believed to be an assassin and untrusted. I'm guessing he was tricked into it? Also, it "could" mean his life? Wouldn't these leaders just kill him if he didn't cooperate?
ReplyDeleteThe basic structure is good and the personal stakes for the MC are clear. I'm confused by the second sentence though: "warms to their ideology" to me implies that he comes to agree with it. If that's the case, isn't he happy to join their cause? Do you actually mean they warm up to him? I would just cut out the confusing first half of this sentence and start with: If he doesn't join...
ReplyDeleteI'd also like to know what this group plans to do once they control the NSA servers--right now it's not entirely clear if they are the 'bad guys' here.
The first line is good except it is inciting knowledge and it needs to incite a goal. Once we have that goal (and I can't tell exactly what that is from this logline), tell us who is going to stop him from achieving it. It sounds like it is the leaders and that they are threatening to kill him if he doesn't help them with the hack, but what does he actually WANT in the end?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
First impression, a little too long. You could drop the name of the program, for example.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I’m stumbling over the logic of this. How does he enter this block-ops training camp? Is he infiltrating it on behalf of someone else? Why would they let him in if they think he’s an assassin? (Or did they lure him in because they need his knowledge? That only occurred to me after reading the other comments.) And then it seems like they’re threatening his life to get him to help the cause but he’s already warmed up to their ideology, so why is that necessary? Because I’m not familiar with your story, I can’t make suggestions on how to clear up these questions, but I hope having them pointed out will be helpful.