TITLE: GERALD AND THE AMULET OF ZONRACH
GENRE: Upper MG, Humorous Fantasy
In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard’s height is the mark of his power, and shrinking an entire inch is disastrous for twelve-year-old Gerald. Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald decides a little landscaping is just what his village needs, but the spell he bought - from a guy who knows a guy - is a tad more powerful than anticipates. Breaking off a huge chunk of Wyverndawn from the rest of the realm allowing Vabalaz, a highly dangerous wizard, to escape from prison really wasn't part of the plan.
The first sentence is intriguing. I like the idea of a world where a wizard's power is linked to his height. But after that, the logline becomes confusing. How is landscaping going to solve Gerald's problem? Is he going to do something about Vabalaz?ReplyDelete
I absolutely love your first two sentences, but the third wasn't as powerful to me. Maybe think about rephrasing it in terms of what Gerald is going to have to do to put things right?ReplyDelete
I love the first sentence and the "from a guy who knows a guy", but the rest was confusing. I don't understand how landscaping is involved, or how breaking off a piece of his village allows a wizard to escape. What's at stake for Gerald?ReplyDelete
I love the voice in this, but it's missing something. How will landscaping make him taller? How does breaking off a chunk of the realm allow a dangerous wizard to escape? What is Gerald going to do about it and what will happen if he fails?ReplyDelete
It sounds like a solid premise, but I was confused in the first line, where 12-year-old Gerald has shrunk an inch. What made him shrink? Shouldn't he still be growing at his age? Perhaps cut right to the bought-a-too-strong-spell-to-get-taller? And while I love the "guy who knows a guy", I think it's extra words that you don't need here.ReplyDelete
This sounds fun! As a logline, I think it needs to be tighter and more direct. Did Gerald actually shrink, or is the first sentence just for set-up? Is he going to shrink the landscape in his village so he'll look taller? I sort of think that the landscaping causes the big problem--maybe like California falling into the ocean and breaking in two everything that's on the edge. What are the consequences for Gerald?ReplyDelete
Thanks for the comments so far. :) Are we allow to put up revised versions?ReplyDelete
Loved it, then you lost it. You need to refocus on what you *really* need here.ReplyDelete
Does working specific types of magic, or more powerful magic, cause him to grow? Does it even matter why he bought the spell?
Here's what's important: the spell Gerald bought releases frees an evil wizard from his prison. Now what does Gerald do about it?
I don't understand how giving his village landscaping will make him grow. I also don't understand how this last line connects to his goal. Is it stopping him from growing? You need to focus this logline entirely on his journey and its obstacles.ReplyDelete
So I'm guess height is gained the more experience with magic you get? And people can then shrink without it? Or have others alter their height with magic?ReplyDelete
Not going to comment on it because you've given us the interesting part and magical systems can be complicated.
I agree that this gets a bit convoluted. Could you combine the ideas?
In the realm of Wyverndawn, a wizard's height is the mark of his power, and getting shrunk an inch is disastrous for 12yo Gerald. Looking to gain an inch or two, Gerald buys a landscaping spell from a guy who knows a guy, but the magic accidentally bursts open the prison. Now, Gerald has to get his height back and capture the evil wizard he accidentally freed before the evil wizards gets revenge.
Obviously, not that since I don't know your story like you do, but is there a way you can clearly connect the landscaping and the prison without adding too many words?