TITLE: SHIVER
GENRE: YA Supernatural Suspense
Seventeen-year-old Samantha McQueen, nurses' aide at Wildwood Psychiatric works weekends and evenings after school in a creepy old building where the walls whisper to her and she sees terrible visions. When a psychic tells her she has two weeks to save her mother and the other dead seeking her help or they will be sentenced to eternal wandering, Samantha must hurry and follow the clues she finds to help them.
I like this a lot. One (really nitpicky) suggestion--you might consider reordering the last sentence to end on a hook. Something like: Samantha must hurry and follow the clues she finds to help her mother and the other dead or they will be sentenced to eternal wandering.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd like to get more of a sense of what's standing in Samantha's way aside from the visions being unpleasant.
Agree with Shoshana. Reordering the last sentence will help the stakes. And is there anything in her way? Are the clues given by a dead madman? And her mother died a patient there?
ReplyDeleteI think you could tighten the first sentence and give yourself a bit more room for the extras. Maybe: Seventeen-year-old Samantha McQueen volunteers at Wildwood Psychiatric, an old building where the ghosts of patients past whisper to her. Including her mother.
I like what krashnburn did with the first sentence. Less is more and it gives you more room for details in the second sentence.
ReplyDeleteI like what shoshana did with the second sentence.
Fill in a few of the important details, tell me what's standing in her way, and this will definitely draw me in.
Oh, I love the title, by the way.
ReplyDeleteIs there a reason why Samantha is working at a place that is both creepy and gives her terrible visions? If so, it might be worth working in.
ReplyDeleteI also like krashnburn's rewrite of the beginning. Makes it crisper without sacrificing any important information. But even though the beginning was a bit wordy, I was going along fine, intersted, until the last line. Then it dissolved into a puddle of vagueness.
ReplyDelete"Hurry up" isn't necessary because the psychic already gave her a deadline. As for "follow the clues," is the rest of the story really about a quest for clues and when she has all the info, her mother will be at rest? If so, say that. But I'm guessing she has to do more than follow the clues. Once she has the info the clues give, is there some difficult, scary, dangerous thing she has to do? That's what I want to hear about in the last line.
A creepy old psychiatric hospital with whispering walls sounds like a terrific setting for a fun, unsettling story. Good luck.
I think you could trim this first line. Also, you need to connect it to her mother and the psychic as they don't sound related. Finally, the conflict needs to be stronger than hurrying.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I think the above comments are spot on. This just needs a little trimming and reordering. I don't necessarily think we need to know anything else about the MC in this. Just tighten it up.
ReplyDeleteCheers!