TITLE: After The Rain
GENRE: Women's Fiction
Newly married into a Napa Valley fairy tale, a young mother-to-be vows to be a faithful wife and the mother she never had. But pieces of herself keep disappearing as she struggles to fit into her husband's wine-drenched world, and the childhood friend who taught her the meaning of love wants her to find them again. As the fairy tale crumbles under the weight of alcoholism and repeated betrayals, she must decide how much of herself to sacrifice in pursuit of "happily ever after."
I like the subject matter in this one, but it feels too long for me. I think you could pare it down, say the same stuff in a shorter package, it would carry a lot more punch
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting read. The second sentence throws me a little. I think the childhood friend wants her to find the missing pieces. And this friend taught her the meaning of love? It's curious and interesting but I think maybe leave it out for the sake of clarity.
ReplyDeleteConsider a much more condensed version, like:
ReplyDeleteNewly married into a Napa Valley fairy tale, a young mother-to-be vows to be [the] faithful wife and mother she never had. But pieces of herself keep disappearing as she struggles to fit into her husband's wine-drenched world. As the fairy tale crumbles, she must decide how much of herself to sacrifice in pursuit of happily-ever-after.
* "Wine-drenched" gives me the image of alcoholism without using the harsh terminology.
* the imagery is there, as well as hints to the plot. Just keep it short and sweet and to the point.
I really like this and would be interested in reading more.
Sounds interesting - but this is a little long. You could try cutting from Napa Valley to the idea that she doesn't fit in - then leave last sentence as is. The piece about her first love sounds great -but do you need it in a logline? How central is it to the story?
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like an interesting premise, but there are a few too many details and I find it hard to discern the central conflict. Fears of motherhood? An alcoholic husband? Unresolved feelings for a first love?
ReplyDeleteYou mention that the MC feels she's losing her identity, which is certainly a good theme for women's fiction, but it's not clear to me how she saw herself before marriage or how that has changed. What, specifically, is she sacrificing?
There seem to be competing goals:
ReplyDelete1) be a faithful wife and mother
2) fit into her husband's world
3) find pieces of herself
Although all three are undoubtedly part of the story, for the logline I think it would be more succinct to pick the main goal and focus on that.
This needs to be re-worked a little. You should start off by inciting her goal (ie, When X marries into a Napa Valley fairy tale, she vows to be the wife and mother her own mother never was..." or something like that). Be careful saying she vows to be faithful without gving this reason and it makes it sound like she wouldn't normally be faithful, and that's just icky if she's pregnant too!
ReplyDeleteAfter that, give us the reasons her goal is hard --her husband's alcoholism and betrayals. I don't know about this whole childhood friend thing. It doesn't sound like a conflict as written. Is this friend male? Does he want her back but he's poor and she wants to live the nice life?
Finally, you need to end this with a more tangible decision. I don't know what "how much of herself to sacrifice" means and I would guess that her real decision is whether or not to give up happiness in order to keep her fairytale alive.
Good luck!
Holly
I like Lia's condensed version. It sounds like you have a great story, and as a Women's Fic reader, I'm sure I would enjoy this, but the logline itself has too much forced into it. Trust your readers to get a sense of the story rather than overloading your description of it.
ReplyDelete