TITLE: Journey Between Worlds
GENRE: Portal Fantasy
Half the world's against her, and it's not even her world. When recent college graduate, Journey, finds herself trapt in a world between worlds there are only two options: adapt or die.
You might name at least one of the worlds, i.e. Earth, Mars, etc. because you mention world/worlds 4 times. I think you meant trapped, not trapt. Next time spell check before sending out. Also, I'm not sure Journey is a good name for the main character. Why and how did she became trapped between worlds? You might consider mentioning this in the logline.
Basically had the same reaction as Sherry - including noticing that you most likely mean "trapped." I would appreciate more details like which world - is this one we would recognize or does it have a totally different name? Also, Journey struck me as a bit trite for the name of a main character but if it suits her and perhaps is explained somewhere in the story it could work. Good luck!
This is too vague to interest me. What sets YOUR portal story apart from the rest? And I don't think Journey is going to work as a name. As I read that sentence the first time, I didn't even realize it WAS her name because I knew she'd gone on a journey.
I get where you're going with the first sentence, but I'm not sure it works.
First, I think you need to name the MC before you throw in the pronouns. Second, I think you meant trapped, not trapt. And last, I think this isn't pulling me in because it's too vague and you're focusing on the wrong details. Is it super imporant that Journey is a recent college graduate, or are you just trying to show her age? I don't need to know how old she is; I need to know how she got trapped in the world between worlds? What world is she from? Is she trying to get back? What are the stakes? Adapt or die is so generic. Is someone or something actively trying to kill her? Who? Why?
1. What happens that begins Journey (okay, I'm not fond of the name either unless the narration is tongue-in-cheek and fits with it) on this journey? What tosses her in between worlds? 2. Why is this bad? 3. If she fails at[blank; what are her options? escaping? reuniting the worlds with peace? closing the portals?], what happens? What's the horrible thing that could happen that she needs to stop?
Ultimately, I think you need to give us what started this, what's bad about this, what she needs to do to fix it, and what will happen if she fails.
The word "world" is in this too many times! I would delete this first line since it's not doing anything and then add more to the end to explain why being trapped is a problem, as well as how she plans to get out and why this will be difficult.
The word "world" is in this too many times! I would delete this first line since it's not doing anything and then add more to the end to explain why being trapped is a problem, as well as how she plans to get out and why this will be difficult.
You might name at least one of the worlds, i.e. Earth, Mars, etc. because you mention world/worlds 4 times. I think you meant trapped, not trapt. Next time spell check before sending out.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm not sure Journey is a good name for the main character. Why and how did she became trapped between worlds? You might consider mentioning this in the logline.
Basically had the same reaction as Sherry - including noticing that you most likely mean "trapped." I would appreciate more details like which world - is this one we would recognize or does it have a totally different name? Also, Journey struck me as a bit trite for the name of a main character but if it suits her and perhaps is explained somewhere in the story it could work. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis is too vague to interest me. What sets YOUR portal story apart from the rest? And I don't think Journey is going to work as a name. As I read that sentence the first time, I didn't even realize it WAS her name because I knew she'd gone on a journey.
ReplyDeleteI get where you're going with the first sentence, but I'm not sure it works.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think you need to name the MC before you throw in the pronouns.
Second, I think you meant trapped, not trapt.
And last, I think this isn't pulling me in because it's too vague and you're focusing on the wrong details. Is it super imporant that Journey is a recent college graduate, or are you just trying to show her age? I don't need to know how old she is; I need to know how she got trapped in the world between worlds? What world is she from? Is she trying to get back? What are the stakes? Adapt or die is so generic. Is someone or something actively trying to kill her? Who? Why?
I do wish I'd a better grasp of loglines to make this better. This logline doesn't really do the story justice.
ReplyDelete1. What happens that begins Journey (okay, I'm not fond of the name either unless the narration is tongue-in-cheek and fits with it) on this journey? What tosses her in between worlds?
ReplyDelete2. Why is this bad?
3. If she fails at[blank; what are her options? escaping? reuniting the worlds with peace? closing the portals?], what happens? What's the horrible thing that could happen that she needs to stop?
Ultimately, I think you need to give us what started this, what's bad about this, what she needs to do to fix it, and what will happen if she fails.
Good luck!
The word "world" is in this too many times! I would delete this first line since it's not doing anything and then add more to the end to explain why being trapped is a problem, as well as how she plans to get out and why this will be difficult.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
The word "world" is in this too many times! I would delete this first line since it's not doing anything and then add more to the end to explain why being trapped is a problem, as well as how she plans to get out and why this will be difficult.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly