In a future Italy, seventeen-year-old pickpocket, Caddy, enlists a wanted vigilante to help clear her name when she’s framed for a royal diamond theft.
This one sounds really good to me, it seems to really get to the point of what the story is about and intrigues me enough that I'd like to find out more. The only little change I would make is to take out the commas before and after Caddy - I don't think they are needed and they slow things down because I stopped at each to take a breath, but this might be a personal preference for me.
Short and to the point. This gives all the right details to draw me in and make me want to read more.
The only nitpicky detail I'd consider changing is move Caddy's name closer to the beginning. In a future Italy, Caddy, a seventeen year-old pickpocket...
This is good as it stands, but I think you could add another sentence to flesh out what happens in the story. Does Caddy come into conflict with the vigilante in some way? Are there other obstacles to be overcome?
Don't take out the commas around Caddy -- that would be very confusing. I'd also like to know something about the relationship between Caddy and the vigilante -- is this a star-crossed romance, a mentor's tale? A simple one-two word description of the vigilante -- old vigilante, swarthy vigilante, sexy vigilante, cruel vigilante -- would give us a great deal of insight into what is going to happen.
I think this is very strong. Nice job of picking out the essential details and making them understandable and succinct. I agree that an extra word about the vigilante may help us imagine how their relationship will play out.
I like Chelle's suggestion to move Caddy's name earlier and then the parenthetical commas are definitely needed so that solves that problem! Otherwise, strong and to the point. Best of luck!
Loved the streamlined pitch but am wondering about the logic. Would a pickpocket try to "clear her name" or by clearing her name, does she hope to save her own life -- which sounds more dire than clearing her name....Although pickpockets still exist in Italy, the term evokes the Victorian era more than a future world. But that's minor - you'll work that one out. Nice job!
You don't even necessarily need to know it's a future Italy. '17-year-old pickpocket Caddy enlists a wanted vigilante to help clear her name when she's framed for a royal diamond theft' and you have the MC, the problem, what she's trying to do, the antagonist (whoever framed her), and an implication of what'll happen if she fails.
If you do keep that bit about Italy, as someone else said, be more specific. 'In present-day Italy' is different from 'In Italy, 2840' is different from 'In Elvish Italy'.
I commented on this one in round two and my response has not changed. Please do not take one of the spots when you have already had your chance and haven't even updated your logline based on the feedback received.
This one sounds really good to me, it seems to really get to the point of what the story is about and intrigues me enough that I'd like to find out more.
ReplyDeleteThe only little change I would make is to take out the commas before and after Caddy - I don't think they are needed and they slow things down because I stopped at each to take a breath, but this might be a personal preference for me.
~Ailsa
I think this is great. I like that it is succinct and I know the MC and what is at stake.
ReplyDeleteShort and to the point. This gives all the right details to draw me in and make me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteThe only nitpicky detail I'd consider changing is move Caddy's name closer to the beginning. In a future Italy, Caddy, a seventeen year-old pickpocket...
This is good as it stands, but I think you could add another sentence to flesh out what happens in the story. Does Caddy come into conflict with the vigilante in some way? Are there other obstacles to be overcome?
ReplyDeleteDon't take out the commas around Caddy -- that would be very confusing. I'd also like to know something about the relationship between Caddy and the vigilante -- is this a star-crossed romance, a mentor's tale? A simple one-two word description of the vigilante -- old vigilante, swarthy vigilante, sexy vigilante, cruel vigilante -- would give us a great deal of insight into what is going to happen.
ReplyDeleteI think this is very strong. Nice job of picking out the essential details and making them understandable and succinct. I agree that an extra word about the vigilante may help us imagine how their relationship will play out.
ReplyDeleteGood job!
Nice pitch. My only question is --what kind of future Italy. Near future--far out there in the distant future? Totally nitpicky.
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
I like Chelle's suggestion to move Caddy's name earlier and then the parenthetical commas are definitely needed so that solves that problem! Otherwise, strong and to the point. Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteLoved the streamlined pitch but am wondering about the logic.
ReplyDeleteWould a pickpocket try to "clear her name" or by clearing her name, does she hope to save her own life -- which sounds more dire than clearing her name....Although pickpockets still exist in Italy, the term evokes the Victorian era more than a future world. But that's minor - you'll work that one out. Nice job!
You don't even necessarily need to know it's a future Italy. '17-year-old pickpocket Caddy enlists a wanted vigilante to help clear her name when she's framed for a royal diamond theft' and you have the MC, the problem, what she's trying to do, the antagonist (whoever framed her), and an implication of what'll happen if she fails.
ReplyDeleteIf you do keep that bit about Italy, as someone else said, be more specific. 'In present-day Italy' is different from 'In Italy, 2840' is different from 'In Elvish Italy'.
I commented on this one in round two and my response has not changed. Please do not take one of the spots when you have already had your chance and haven't even updated your logline based on the feedback received.
ReplyDeleteHolly