Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Logline Critique Round Three #20

TITLE: Elish'a Locket
GENRE: YA Fantasy

When Catherine goes to Scotland in search of her family’s past she becomes a captive of it, trapped in the 16th century. A tragic ghost holds the key to her return but first she must solve a mystery to release him from the anguish which has consumed him for over 400 years.


  1. How does she get trapped? You might delete "captive of it" because I'm not sure what "it" refers to. How old is Catherine? The title has a misspelling. Did you mean Elisha's Locket instead of Elish'a? You might have the logline reflect the title since I have no idea who Elisha is. If she's the ghost, mention Elisha as the ghost.
    I would be interested in reading more about the characters based on the logline.

  2. When Catherine goes to Scotland in search of her family's past, she becomes trapped in the 16th century. Elisha, a tragic ghost, holds the key to her return, but first Catherine must ...

    I agree about mentioning Catherine's age since this is YA. Also, I was confused about Elisha. Is he/she the ghost.

  3. Interesting premise. I agree with Chelle's tightening of the first sentence. I'm not quite hooked by the rest. Yes, Catherine presumably wants to get back to the present, but you haven't given us the stakes. Why is it important to Catherine and/or the ghost?
    I'm interested, but reel me in.

  4. intriguing, but...

    how does a teen get the money to go to Scotland?

    Why is she interested in her family's past? Teens usually are concerned with their own lives first.

    How does she get trapped in the past?

  5. This sounds interesting to me and I'd love to read on. For the first sentence, you could probably drop "captive of it" and just say she becomes trapped by a tragic ghost. Good Luck!

  6. How old is the MC? My 16 year old thought she'd would have to be 18+ and doing research for college for the premise as written. If the MC is younger, she might, say, go spend the summer with cousins, or be an exchange student. There are ways of getting her there. You'll find them!

  7. I would say, "she becomes trapped in it" instead of "a captive of it, trapped...". So it'd read more like, "she becomes trapped in it--literally."

    You can then mention the 16th century part after the "ghost holds her key to return [from the 16th century]...."

    It just tightens things up, and I'm wondering about what makes the ghost tragic instead of tortured, or tormented/vengeful. Tragic just doesn't seem to fit quite right.

  8. As written, you are using her trip to incite her goal when, In fact, it is becoming trapped that incites her goal (which is to escape).

    Aside from that, I think we need more specific information about this mystery she needs to solve and why it will be hard. The ghost's motivation is not really relevant.

    Good luck!

  9. Thanks for the comments. I'll be revising and your comments will be a big help.