TITLE: Snap
GENRE: YA Romance
Seventeen-year-old Kate Reddy has sacrificed everything from family to a social life to be the reigning U.S. Figure Skating Junior National Champion. But when a hot hockey player named Brice tears up the ice and Kate’s blade gets caught in one of the ruts, an ACL tear ruins her career. Her Olympic dreams may be down the tubes, but can she mend the rift in her family, forgive Brice, and learn that there is more to her identity than just skating?
I think this is pretty good, but i wonder if it could be tightened some? The second sentence especially seems a bit much for me:
ReplyDeleteBut when a hot hockey player named Brice tears up the ice and Kate’s blade gets caught in one of the ruts, an ACL tear ruins her career.
Could it instead be:
But when a hockey player tears up the ice, Kate’s blade is caught in a rut and an ACL tear ruins her career.
I think tightening the whole logline would really help it pop.
I'm an ice skating fan so this is already intriguing to me, but I think the first sentence could be compressed. Perhaps:
ReplyDeleteAfter sacrificing family and social life to become U.s. Junior figure skating champion, Kate Reddy's Olympic dreams (fall prey to)(some way to connect to the injury). The problem is that your opening doesn't set up the stakes/consequences. When you say "rift in her family," that tells me I misinterpreted the opening salvo about giving up family. I thought you just meant she never saw them, not that there was dysfunction and unrepaired hurt. I'm sure others will also point out that a question is probably not the strongest way to end this. The "finding another identity" seems to me to be good high stakes.
This is so clear, well set out and with a great premise. I see where Sarah's coming from though. It could be tightened very simply eg what about 'Seventeen-year-old....has sacrificed everything for skating.'You already talk about career and Olympic dreams so it's not really necessary to give her full US title.
ReplyDeleteJust read the comment above - I didn't even notice there was a question at the end:)
Squee! (Can I squee?) I see YA Romance, figure skater and hockey player and I just want to read this. (Too bad I am not an agent, right?)
ReplyDeleteI think posing that type of question can work in a query, but I'd suggest rephrasing to a statement for a pitch.
This is nitpicky, but maybe the second instance of the word "tear" can be replaced with injury so you aren't repeating tear. You could also pare down a little here: "But when hot hockey player Brice."
I wish you lots of luck! The premise has so much promise :)
I think all the necessary elements are here, but I would maybe see about tightening it if possible (maybe even from three sentences down to two).
ReplyDeleteFor example, the line "from family to a social life to be the reigning U.S. Figure Skating Junior National Champion" might be compacted to just "figure skating." All the details about her family, potential Olympics, etc, come up later, so really it's unnecessary duplication.
First impression, too long. And I see it’s too long because you’re including too many details. “Reigning U.S. Figure Skating Junior National Champion” could be figure skating champ. “But when a hot hockey player named Brice tears up the ice and Kate’s blade gets caught in one of the ruts, an ACL tear ruins her career” could be “when an accident ruins her career.” (And refer to the guy who caused the accident instead of naming Brice later on.) Etc.
ReplyDeleteNext, the stakes. What you have here seems very internal – mending, forgiving, learning. Is there some outward goal she must achieve in order to accomplish those things?
I like stories about people who have worked hard to be very good at something, so I wish you luck with this.
This is a good summary of the inner arc of your novel but it is missing the outer arc which is usually the main plot. What does Kate actually want here? Things like "mending her family" and learning about her identity are not tangible goals because there is no point when we can say DONE! Try to weave what she needs (inner arc) with what she wants (outer goal).
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly