TITLE: Down into Darkness
GENRE: Science Fiction
Linguist Brian Marconi arrives on Jupiter’s moon to discover that his predecessor was killed by the alien colony living there. In a race against time, Brian must solve the riddles of alien culture if he hopes to find an avenue for peace before Earth steps in to resolve the problem with brute force.
Sounds interesting, but first you have to tell me why earth is sending a linguist to the moon before you tell me his predecessor was killed by a colony of aliens. Does earth know about the aliens? Are the aliens threatening earth? How? Why? What riddles of alien culture can help make peace. What kind of brute force with earth use? Are they going to storm the moon and wipe out the aliens or are they going to blow up the moon? I think a few key details will pull readers in better.
ReplyDeleteLinguist Brian Marconi arrives on Jupiter's moon knowing that his predecessor was killed by the colony of aliens living there. Earth wants him to ________. Brian must _______ before earth steps in and does __________.
Love your MC's name. This has a bit of a Hitchhiker's Guide vibe to it that I like. But his goal seems vague to me. I get what happens if he doesn't succeed, but I'm not clear on what exactly he has to do.
ReplyDeleteI think that if you told us why they need a linguist, it would clear up any confusion. I'm guessing that Earth knows about the aliens and that it's his job to communicate with them. But what does Earth stand to gain from this, and what do the aliens think they'll lose? I don't think you need to put all of this into your log line, but you do need to give us a better picture of the overall stakes.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I would read this just from what you have written, but I took linguistics in college.
I think the format is right on, but this is missing specific details. I agree, why Brian is sent to that moon would be helpful, if you can do so within a few words. You can skip the cliche "in a race against time" tell us the specifics so that we then know that it is urgent; start with "Brian must..." and state what he must uncover (what is the riddle?) or else {what will happen if he doesn't? What does he stand to lose? Why does he want to save this moon?}
ReplyDeleteMy first reaction here was, before Earth steps in to resolve what problem? Why would Earth involve themselves in a single murder on some far off moon? Did the former linguist misinterpret what the aliens said and conveyed it as a threat to Earth? Even if Earth steps in, why wouldn't Brian simply leave?
ReplyDeleteMain Character=Brian Marconi
Inciting Incident=Murder of predecessor?
Conflict=Figuring out the alien culture? Against what/who?
Goal=Stop Earth's attack
Consequences for Brian=?
Intriguing premise, but I had the same questions as the commenters above. I'd also cut out phrases like "in a race against time" and "avenue for peace" because they take up precious space where you could make the logline tighter. Same applies to "solve the riddles of alien culture" because it's hard to tell if it's being literal or metaphorical.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I agree with the others. Everything seems to be there, but it's missing the spark of why this is original. That your MC is an interesting detail about him, and I think once you tighten it up you can use that space to add similar details to the other pieces. Why does Earth care about the beings on this moon? Which moon? Can they even speak? Are they humanoid? What part of their culture can you use in the logline to highlight them? Why is the Earth even sending Brian there and not jumping to force? What are the stakes for him? Your logline gives us the stakes for the aliens, but for Brian it reads more of 'I need to step in and save these people' which is a bit too savior sounding.
ReplyDeleteCheers!
This is pretty good except the goal isn't very tangible. What does solving the riddles of a culture look like and how will he know when he's done? And what is the problem Earth is solving? The murder?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
Ooh, this sounds really interesting!
ReplyDeleteI agree with others above have said and would add that, in the first stc., "to discover' implies that the purpose of his trip to Jupiter is to find his murdered predecessor. As in, he knows his predecessor has been killed by the aliens before he arrives. A simple fix would be ...moon and discovers that his predecessor was...