TITLE: An Inconvenient Death
GENRE: Suspense
The voice of the caller on Matt Lanier's answering machine was calm, professional, and disinterested, considering the magnitude of the statement.
This is the Owatonna Hospital. Your father's in our emergency room. Please call us at...
Matt heard nothing after that because simultaneous joy and panic bolted to the surface of his brain like a long ribbon of gasoline set ablaze with a spark. On one side of his mind, the possibility of being free forever of his old man shot waves of energy through his fatigued body. On the other side, the weight of dread, finality, loss, responsibility, change, fought those waves with invisible pressure like the gravity pull of a full moon restraining the tide.
He replayed the message to copy the phone number, then called the hospital. A nurse answered in a tone consistent with the phone message voice.
"This is Matt Lanier. I'm returning the call I received earlier this evening. My father, Ray Lanier is there." Matt turned and looked out his living room window, bracing for the psychological impact of what he was about to hear.
"Oh ... yes, Mr. Lanier, I'll get the ER doctor for you."
Seconds later a male voice came on. "Mr. Lanier, this is Dr. Singh." He spoke with a British accent. "I'm afraid your father has suffered a stroke. He's in bad shape."
Stroke. So that was it. Not dead. Not yet, anyway. A vision came to Matt of Ray Lanier sitting in a wheelchair, one side of his body numb and lifeless,
I'm intrigued by Matt's conflicting emotions toward his father, but I'm disappointed that I didn't feel those emotions. I would keep reading because I'm intrigued, but IMO this piece would be stronger if you focused more on showing rather than telling. Put us in Matt's position. What does he feel? Don't tell us what those emotions are; show us through thoughts, actions, body reactions, etc.
ReplyDeleteI'll second Lanette's comment. You're starting with a compelling situation, and I would read a bit further to find out what happens, but the second paragraph struck me as overwritten. The gasoline and moon metaphors are just too much. I'd prefer to see Matt's actual thoughts . If his first reaction is "Thank God, the son of a b** is finally gone," say that.
ReplyDeleteI'll also say that Matt's dialogue when he calls the hospital struck me as a tad stiff under the circumstances. This is an emotional situation. Unless he's exceptionally reserved, I'd expect him to speak less formally, e.g., "You called me," instead of "I'm returning the call I received earlier this evening."
I like this very much. The tense situation is compelling. But the character of Matt leaves something to be desired because he's not feeling anything. He provides a laundry list of emotions, but they're disconnected to him as a character.
ReplyDeleteFor one thing, he wants to be free of his old man because... Why? Teens want to be free of their rent's authority, but that's an assumption and I have a feeling Matt is older than a teenager anyway. Of course I could be wrong. Point is, specifics are vital in an effective opening so you need to spell it out.
His list of "other side" emotions is just that. These words have no meaning because they're out of context with who Matt is and what he wants. Pair it down to just one or two "other side" items and elaborate to give us a better idea of who Matt is.
Good luck!
I agree with Lanette, Rebecca, and Karen. This is a compelling story. How a person reacts to death and illness depends on many factors. I understand that your character feels conflicted and almost relieved by what's happening to the father, but I'm not experiencing any of this. The writing is distant and telling. Maybe if you included some physical tags that could help us with feeling closer to your story.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
There's good potential here, but I feel that third paragraph is trying too hard. Rebecca used the word 'overwritten', and that's the word that came immediately to mind when I read this. I like the idea of Matt's conflicting emotions, but it needs a bit of work.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I think this could start with the line: "This is Matt Lanier..." This introduces the character, has him engaging in something by responding to the call, and we get the information his father is in the hospital. The first line as shown is telling and not engaging, and you really want that first line to do some work! We don't need to hear what's on the answering machine or any mechanics of him listening to it or dialing the hospital. I keep bringing up Elmore Leonard on this forum, but I love his spare writing. He used to say he didn't write the parts that people skip. If you stick to what's important to set the scene and drive the story forward, some of the mechanics of how Matt got there aren't needed. So that's my suggestion, to start with him answering the call, and you provide all the essentials after that. Then you can work in his conflicted feelings, relief, dread, in snippets as the chapter progresses.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
We like that there is danger right away, with wondering what the phone call is about and then whether his father will recover or not. It makes us feel for Matt from the first page. Immediate sympathy is good.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else in that I'm not feeling any emotion here. He's supposed to have all these conflicting emotions, but no elation come's through, no sorrow or worry or disappointment. Perhaps allow him to show some emotions, instead of just telling us he had them.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for confirming what I sensed as I worked on this opening--show the emotions and tighten the prose. Much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteChris
I'm late to the party. Sorry. Like the title. It does pull you in, however, like most of the other comments, I too felt distanced with telling and there was an overuse of adjectives (calm, professional, and disinterested) which could be replaced with one more powerful word.
ReplyDeleteThink just needs some tweaking and I'd recommend listening to someone read your dialogue aloud to make sure it sounds authentic. Make each word count. IE: cut This is Matt Lanier." and get down to business starting with "I'm returning..."
Good luck!