Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Logline Critique Round Two #35

TITLE: The Seven Faerie Gifts
GENRE: YA Fantasy

A retelling of the fairy tale, Sleeping Beauty—The spoiled Princess Rosamund has squandered the seven faerie gifts she needs to bravely face her curse. Prince Eric grew up hearing stories of a sleeping princess and they meet in their dreams. But what happens when a princess from legend wakes in a world that fears all to do with the old kingdom and Faerie?


  1. I just had a conversation with someone about how there wasn't any real good Sleeping Beauty retellings so this had me very interested!!

    I love the concept of them meeting in their dreams but I'm not sure it is needed in the logline since the main story is about Rosamund (seems to be a side story)

    The last sentence is where I think needs work..I stumbled over it a bit when trying to read it. Is this where the dreaming comes in? why does she all of a sudden wake up in a world that fears the old kingdom? What is the thing that sets this in motion and what become the stakes? I don't know what happens when a princess wakes in a world like that - tell us what she stands to lose in that kind of atmosphere so we know what she has at stake.

    Otherwise, love the premise and this fairytale! :)

  2. I'm not sure the question at the end works. And I would pick one protagonist, either Eric or Rosamund, even if the story has both POV. You'll have better luck if you use the character whose POV is the opening page. If it's Eric, then something like this might work:

    Prince Eric grew up hearing stories of a sleeping princess [who squandered the seven faerie gifts she needed to bravely face her curse. He meets her every night in his dream, but when she] wakes in a world that fears all to do with the old kingdom and Faerie [what does he have to do?]

  3. I also stumbled over the last sentence. I like Patchi's idea.

    I wondered how old/modern this is? Perhaps a mention in the sentence when she wakes. Is is just late medieval and the church has a stranglehold? Or is it Renaissance or the beginning of the Industrial Revolution or modern times? I think this could convey some of the conflict she'll have when she wakes.

  4. "...But what happens when a princess from legend wakes in a world that fears all to do with the old kingdom and Faerie?"

    I don't know, you tell me.

    Don't close a logline or query with a question. It's bad writing. Think of a logline like a conversation with a stranger who asked you about your book. It needs to be sweet, concise and question-free.

    I also got no information from this logline except that she squandered some fairy gifts. Redo this and include an actual plot.

    Good Luck.

  5. I don't know. What happens? It seems to me that ending with a question rather than an answer is not proper logline protocol.

  6. The formula we've been taught to use here doesn't allow for that opening phrase about a retelling of Sleeping Beauty, but I think it's helpful information. This almost sounds like a fractured fairy tale rather than a retelling. And I do think it sounds interesting!

    I like the idea of sticking with one POV character, but I'd go with Rosamund, based on what I see here. I don't know the original fairy tale all that well so what she needed the gifts for is a mystery to me and might be to a number of people who have grown up on Disney. How would she fight her curse, anyway, given that she's asleep?

    I hope this doesn't come across as belitting; I'm actually just thinking "aloud" here in hopes that I can help jar something loose for you, because fairy tales retold are always appealing as far as I'm concerned.

  7. I think the first half works. It's the question that could be rephrased to show us what the stakes are. When Rosamund wakes to a world fearful of the legends it teaches, then [x = what is the risk for Eric and for Faeire?]. And [what must Rosamund and/or Eric do to stop this risk?]

  8. The problem I see with ending on a question is that we don't know what the stakes are for your story. It is interesting, but these are jaded agents who talk about answering the questions as ludicrously as possible in their heads.

    Nix the question, and add in the stakes. (is someone going to die? Is the world going to catch fire and burn to the ground? Let us know).

  9. As others have pointe dout, right now it feels split between two protagonists. I'd pick one and go with them.

    Ending with a question doesn't bother me especially, but if it's not "in vogue" as others have suggested then maybe rephrase to a clear statement of what it is they're facing.

  10. This really isn't a logline. You shouldn't use a comp story and the question at the end doesn't tell us anything. As for the two middle sentences, they set up the characters but tell us nothing about what they are trying to do here. What does the princess want and how will the prince help/hinder her in getting it?

    Good luck!