TITLE: The Legend of Falkeld Island
GENRE: YA
To save his dying grandfather, Kade sets out to capture one of the maighdean mhara, a mystical yet deadly Scottish sea maiden, and harvest her three wishes. But when he is caught trespassing on a WWII naval base, he is forced to either aid the Admiral's obsessive quest to find a lost Spanish Armada treasure, or risk his grandfather's life.
I'm not sure about this one. After the first sentence, i was hooked. But then i was lost. It just seemed like there was a lot going on, with sea maiden's, wishes, WWII naval bases, admirals, lost spanish armada treasure. Maybe try and trim some of these details, so the important ones stand out more?
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sarah above. There's just a little too much going on.
ReplyDeleteI think what you mean is that the Admiral's quest delays Kade from capturing the Scottish sea maiden, and therefore the clock is ticking on grandfather. How about "But when he is caught trespassing on a WWII naval base, he is forced to choose between aiding his captor's obsessive quest or saving his grandfather's life."
Still not perfect, but it does do away with extraneous details. Good luck with this one--it sounds like a grand adventure.
I agree with the comments above. The first sentence is very catchy and I was interested. I agree to get rid of the Admiral's specific reasoning for a quest and just say he is forced to aid him in his quest ..and it's not really a choice if the admiral won't let him go so ...maybe "he is forced to aid his captor's obsessive quest first before he can continue on his own..and the clock is ticking." ...still needs some work but I think tightening up that last sentence will really make this shine!
ReplyDeleteI like Kade's quest and a Scottish story. I would skip the difficult Celtic words in the logline. The either/or doesn't make sense to me. Is there a time crunch? Can't he just capture a sea maiden while searching for treasure?
ReplyDeleteI'd like to read the finished work!
I agree there's too much going on. Slashing it back to the basics- MC, situation, imminent danger- would tighten this up considerably.
ReplyDeleteA suggestion (take it or leave it): Kade must capture a mystical, and deadly, Scottish sea maiden to save his grandfather's life. However, a meddling Admiral's obsessive quest stands in his way.
Otherwise, it sounds like a fun read! Good luck!
I may be the lone voice here who thinks this works. I see everyone's point, but I see specific detail, goals, motives, conflict. If anything, maybe remove the name of the sea maiden. Also, I wondered if this was historical, if the naval base was currently in operation or if this was a WWII-era base; knowing what subgenre this is would help. Overall, sounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteI like it overall. The first line definitely drew me in. The second part is unclear to me. Is it that if he doesn't help the Admiral he will somehow put his grandfather's life in jeopardy?
ReplyDeleteAlso, as someone mentioned in another logline, the word "forced" doesn't make the main character sound very active. Maybe convey it as a choice?
The motivation is a little unclear here. If the thing he wants more than anything is to save his grandfather then why would he NOT want to help this Admiral (and by the way, how does this help his grandfather? Or is this just something he has to do before he can capture the sea maiden?)
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly